The Dord of Darien

Musings from the Mayor of the Internet


Put on your tinfoil batting helmets

At last, George Mitchell’s nefarious plot has been exposed!

I have a soft spot for that theory. The idea, see, is that since George Mitchell has a stake in the Red Sox, he intentionally left them out of his report. Except for Eric Gagne, I suppose, whom everybody hates anyhow. See, normal, sane people would view the lack of any Brewers or Rangers as a problem with this theory, but the Daily News has concocted a lovely explanation that only requires a moderate amount of data-searching in order to survive. See, Mitchell let his own team off lightly, but he also let the Brewers go because Bug Selig used to own the Brewers and he’s a good buddy. Obviously it would have hurt his feelings had Mitchell implied that anybody on a team he used to have a financial stake in participated in a wave of cheaters that Mitchell estimated at around 25% of the entire player-base.

The bit about the Rangers is even better. You know, President Bush used to be an owner of the Rangers. So clearly senator Mitchell – senator Mitchell, wink wink – would let the Rangers off easily so the President won’t… ahh, won’t… well, maybe he’d preside Mitchell upside the fucking head for that. I don’t really know, and the Daily News and its "baseball official with no ties to the Yankees" don’t tell me.

Even better than that, though, is this idiocy: "Without subpoena power, Mitchell insisted, he was limited in terms of where he could take his investigation. But that’s a cop-out. Investigative journalists don’t have subpoena power either and look at what they’ve been able to uncover independently over the course of history." Do investigative journalists generally call people up and say "hi there, my name’s George Mitchell and I’m working with your boss and the federal government to find out if you’re a cheater so we can send you to jail"? I don’t really know, but I’m thinking maybe if they did they wouldn’t get as far. And senator Mitchell was burdened with an extremely-high-profile journal to investigate. Food Lion this ain’t.

December 23rd, 2007 Posted by | Baseball | one comment

They’re everywhere! Everywhere!

Guy I work with had a bottle of pep pills with him the other day, since he was working a long day and I guess wanted a bit of extra "zip." Now, we’re not talking the super fun happy kind here; these are just those OTC caffeine nuggets. Off-brand No-Doz, basically. One of my other coworkers was shocked (shocked!!) that he would be taking such a thing. The reason being? Don’t you know that has chemicals in it?

I would like to take this opportunity to offer a giant fuck you to the entire stupid hippie organic subculture that’s responsible for people actually saying shit like that. If you were wondering, attempts to explain to this girl that her beloved herbal remedy of choice contains substantially higher levels of psychoactive chemicals than a damn No-Doz resulted in a blank stare and an exasperated "it’s different because that’s natural."

I guess the caffeine used to make No-Doz is an alien substance imported from Bizarro Utah or someplace.

December 23rd, 2007 Posted by | Bullshit | no comments

You may already be a winner!

My new goal in life is to start one of those sweepstakes groups like Publisher’s Clearing House. The main difference is going to be that we’ll have two possible grand prizes, and you won’t know which one you win until you actually get it; it’ll either be the traditional check for a million dollars, or else a flaming bag of poop. Think of the possibilities! Ed McMahon pulls up in front of your house in a great big van, and tons of guys with TV cameras and balloons pile out and they ring your bell and yell “CONGRATULATIONS!” and then dump a bag of poop on your steps, set it on fire, and leave. You must admit this is much funnier than the way they do it now, what with stuffing the poop in your mailbox and then trying to bilk you on those stupid “prize claim” phone calls.

December 23rd, 2007 Posted by | My new goal in life | no comments