The Dord of Darien

Musings from the Mayor of the Internet


I, like everybody else in creation, get a lot of spam. Most of it gets eaten by filters before I so much as have to deal with it, but, of course, every once in a while some gets through. I usually look at the subjects on those just for fun; sometimes they’re good for a laugh, even if I already have enough penis enlargement pills to last me well into next year. I got a spam the other day, though, that was truly above-average. I’d say it’s the worst spam of all time.

The subject line was "truckload of dead puppies."

I’m wondering if that was one of the pseudo-random subject lines put together by the spam subject generators or if somebody actually thought that one up; perhaps somebody actually thought that would generate a click-through (it didn’t, by the way; I was afraid it would have pictures). My new goal in life is to come up with an even worse sales pitch than that.

August 9th, 2008 Posted by | My new goal in life | one comment

Don’t know how lucky you are

We’re listening to the Beatles at work, and Back in the USSR comes on. One of my cooks says to me "hey, what’s the USSR?"

In dead earnest.

My new goal in life is to get a law passed permitting me to slap anybody who’s that woefully ignorant of the world. Especially if said person frequently discourses on political subjects.

February 2nd, 2008 Posted by | My new goal in life | 3 comments

Humpin’ around

I’m glad to hear everybody appreciated the ninja link in the big food post. I’m pretty sure the only thing that prevents that song from being the new is that it doesn’t have the shock value properly frontloaded. It’s still great, though.

My new goal in life is to cause a major international incident by springing that song on some dudes at exactly the wrong time. Like maybe I’ll hack into the Irani government’s network and make the palace PA start blasting it in the middle of prayer at some point. Check it out!

Does the Irani government have a network? Or a PA? Or electricity? I honestly don’t know. For all I know they live in wigwams and eat ticks and chiggers to survive.

January 5th, 2008 Posted by | My new goal in life | no comments

My brother, ladies and gentlemen

My new goal in life is to be as entertainingly foolish on YouTube.

I’m so proud.

This one’s even better.

December 25th, 2007 Posted by | My new goal in life | no comments

You may already be a winner!

My new goal in life is to start one of those sweepstakes groups like Publisher’s Clearing House. The main difference is going to be that we’ll have two possible grand prizes, and you won’t know which one you win until you actually get it; it’ll either be the traditional check for a million dollars, or else a flaming bag of poop. Think of the possibilities! Ed McMahon pulls up in front of your house in a great big van, and tons of guys with TV cameras and balloons pile out and they ring your bell and yell “CONGRATULATIONS!” and then dump a bag of poop on your steps, set it on fire, and leave. You must admit this is much funnier than the way they do it now, what with stuffing the poop in your mailbox and then trying to bilk you on those stupid “prize claim” phone calls.

December 23rd, 2007 Posted by | My new goal in life | no comments

It’s good to have a direction in life

Hey gang, Norman Mailer died. You don’t have to read that article, but, man, check out the headline his front-page obituary in the New York Times had: "Norman Mailer, Towering Writer With a Matching Ego, Dies at 84." I’ve decided that another goal for my life is that, when I die, I want the first line of my obituary – the headline if I warrant some sort of disguised-as-news-hey-it’s-a-slow-day obituary – to talk about what a giant, overblown ego I had.

November 13th, 2007 Posted by | My new goal in life | no comments