What hilarious misadventures do you suppose everybody’s favourite comedy baseball troupe has gotten up to this week?
I see o’er this way that the Mets are singlehandedly responsible for crippling MLB’s 2010 attendance figures. That’s even funnier when you consider that, hey, didn’t they just open a new ballpark? Wow. Guess the honeymoon is really over down there.
Looks like I was right all along; it just took a little bit longer than I expected for the mean to regress those dudes right upside the head. So long, Padres! Don’t let how awesome I am hit you in the ass on your way out.
Also, nice picture of guess the fuck who in that article, Dave. Though it would have been nice if you’d left out the part where you breathlessly invoke the pathos of a ten-game losing streak and how that’s so much worse than an eight-game losing streak. Nobody’s ever had a ten-game losing streak and made the playoffs!!! Except twice!!! I don’t know how to use statistics and now my head hurts!!!
Nyjer Morgan — whose name I’m really trying not to make fun of, for the sake of the more touchy-feely members of my vast audience — got hit by a pitch yesterday. Then, next time he came up to the plate, the Marlins promptly threw behind him. He decided he’d had enough of that bullshit, and decked the pitcher, which turned into a benches-clearing brawl. You can see it here, complete with the most insane possible bullshit pouring out of the announcers’ mouths. My favourite line:
The Marlins hit Morgan in a professional manner — they didn’t throw at his head — and then what did he do? He stole second and he stole third an a [sic] eleven-run game, which, generally, you wouldn’t see done.
That’s the craziest moon-logic I’ve ever heard in my life. I refer you to the official rules of baseball, section 8.02, subsection d: "The pitcher shall not Intentionally Pitch at the Batter." The weird capitalisation is in the original.
The official rules of baseball, I am saddened to report, do not contain any such prohibition against stealing bases if you’re down by eleven runs. And you know what else? The unwritten rules don’t contain that either, since that’s complete bullshit. Perhaps you’re thinking of the unwritten rule against stealing bases when you’re up by eleven runs? It doesn’t work the other way around, jackasses. If you’re down by eleven, you need to work like hell to get back in the game, and that means increasing your run expectancy any way you can. Now, Morgan sucks at stealing bases, so from that perspective he shouldn’t be doing it. But it’s not like against any unwritten rules, dumbshoes. And, unlike throwing at the batter — which your guys did twice! — it’s not against any written rules, either.
So in conclusion, you’re stupid. Get out of the baseballs.
UPDATE: Yeah, what he said.
In re: this post. I’m sorry, did I say the Angels would win the AL West? Apparently I meant the Oakland Athletics, since I failed to realise quite how terrible the Angels really are. Tee hee.
One of the most objectionably bad analysts in the whole history of analysis has just lost his cushy job talking about the Washington Nationals. Turns out Dibble tore into Stephen Strasburg for being a giant pussy and going on the DL just because he had a torn ligament in his elbow. Be a man, Strasburg! Dibble would have fucking pitched through it.
Which I guess is why Dibble’s career lasted seven whole seasons before he was out of baseball with injuries. Good work, Rob, you unquenchable moron.
How do I know this? Because the Rangers just traded for Jeff Francoeur. Take it away, Ron Washington:
We needed another right-handed bat and he’ll give us that so that we don’t have to keep sending up left-handed bats against the lefties. And he’s a guy we know will drive in runs.
I agree with Ron Washington about exactly one thing: cocaine is a hell of a drug Jeff Francoeur is right-handed. Remember when I was saying that people massively overvalue platoon splits? This is exactly what I mean. Jeff Francoeur’s right-handed! That gives us an awesome weapon against lefties! Except:
Jeff Francoeur, 2010, vs. LHP: .280 / .351 / .410 / .761 sOPS+: 104
Woo. I mean, that’s better than his line against RHP (sOPS+: 76), but it’s not exactly good. See why it would be better to have a good left-handed hitter than a shitty right-handed hitter? The utterly unremarkable — but left-handed — Kosuke Fukudome’s 2010 LHP line looks like this: .259 / .368 / .519 / .882 sOPS+: 156 (!).
Oh, and, he’ll drive in runs? You know that? Is that because of his career ISO of .157, which is one point lower than noted run-driver-inner Brandon Inge? Or perhaps it’s because of his career total -43.7 weighted runs above average? Seriously, Jeff Francoeur has played at exactly replacement level this year, and that’s only because his somewhat-valuable fielding has offset his atrocious hitting. And you just signed him as a pinch hitter. Think about that.
Anything you’d like to say in your defense, Jeff?
It’s been a tough couple of weeks for me. It just hasn’t happened for me (with the Mets). People expect different things.
Yes. For example, some people expect that people who get paid $5M to hit baseballs can actually hit said baseballs. Other people expect that they can say ridiculous things like "If on-base percentage is so important, then why don’t they put it up on the scoreboard?" and get away with it. You see how it is.
So congratulations, Angels! I’ll be watching your comeback from 8 1/2 games with intense amusement.
Stephen Strasburg will need Tommy John surgery, so he’s likely to be out of action until 2012 and who knows if he’ll be any good afterward — Fransisco Liriano is looking like he’s almost back to form (four years later), but a lot of pitchers never fully recover from TJ.
But, hey, Strasburg mania was fun while it lasted! Good luck, Aroldis Chapman, with being the next big thing once the Cincinnati Reds call you up to the Majors and make you struggle under this arm-destroying assbasket.
Sammy Sosa is all bent out of shape because the Cubs didn’t retire his number. It says so on the internet, so it must be true.
Don’t be dense, Sammy. Sure, you left on rough terms with the Cubs, and, sure, you’re looking mighty odd these days, but I think we both know why the Cubs don’t retire your number. No? No guesses at all? Here’s a hint. The Cubs just don’t need that kind of PR trouble right now, what with new ownership, a new manager, and a team that’s going to lose a hundred goddamn games this year.
Also, holy shit, Sammy, the Cubs don’t retire a lot of numbers. Ernie Banks, Billy Williams, Ron Santo, Ryne Sandberg, Fergie Jenkins, and Greg Maddux — that’s it. They didn’t retire Andre Dawson’s number, or Mark Grace’s number, or even goddamn Cap Anson’s… persona, I guess, since they didn’t wear numbers back then. I gotta say, it’d be a nice gesture, but at least Grace has to be in line in front of you, man. So cool out the angst in re: Tyler Colvin, hey?
Well, in about an hour, Lou Piniella will retire, which is like 40 games early. Or a year too late, depending on how you look at it. I don’t blame him; I’d take the plunge myself rather than suffer through another month-and-a-half of the 2010 Cubs.
The bright spot from my perspective is that the Cubs are naming Mike Quade as interim manager, and apparently are also considering him as the new full-time manager, which is awesome. Mike Quade rules. He’s like a crazy food fanatic, and he’ll murder you if you piss him off.
I love Mike Quade so much I even know how to pronounce his name, which isn’t at all like you probably think.
The Cubs are horrible. Heartbreakingly, disgustingly horrible. Horribawful. I mean really, really bad. So I’m pissed off to begin with. And then in their death throes they go and trade away my pretty pony. So now I’m really pissed.
Then, just to piss me off even more, along comes this asshole to pile on. I guess he’s called Mark Potash, and now I’ll put my foot in his article.
Derrek Lee’s legacy in Chicago is one that many will ignore: Nothing he did here as a Cub could quite erase the pain he inflicted as a Marlin.
Fuck you.
I mean, seriously, this is just the first line of this article, and already you’re being so stupid that I’m just swearing at you instead of actually critiquing anything. You want a critique? Okay, here’s a critique: that pain was inflicted a little bit by Mark Prior, a little bit by Dusty Hollingsworth Baker-Stupid, but mostly by the other Alex Gonzalez, who booted the world’s most routine double-play ball and virtually handed the stupid Fish the win.
Now, did you notice anything all those people have in common? That’s right: they were all Cubs personnel. We did that shit to ourselves. That is the common theme of the epic 2003 collapse. Nobody blames Derrek Lee, except your own crazy ass.
Lee’s acknowledgement Wednesday of the "negative environment" at Wrigley Field was dripping with irony. With all due respect, it is Lee who — unwittingly — had a huge hand in creating that environment.
What are you, seven years old? The Cubs have been losing for way longer than that. No less a personage than Greg Maddux is on record saying that the Cubs had a negative environment back in the late 80s and early 90s — but you know when the Cubs didn’t have a negative environment? 2003 and 2007. Can you guess why?
Seriously, Diane, get a grip. Negative environment is a side-effect of the team with the third-highest payroll in MLB losing a hundred games. Ask the Mets about that sometime; bet you they’ll agree.
Also, you know what Lee actually said? Can you guess? Here it is:
"I think having to hear about losing kind of puts you in a negative environment. I don’t think that’s conducive to winning."
Wow, really called out the horribleness of the Cubs there, didn’t he.
As a Marlin in 2003, it was his bases-loaded double in the eighth inning off Mark Prior — right after the infamous “Gonzalez Play” — that tied Game 6 of the NLCS against the Cubs and sparked the six-run rally that started the Cubs on the road to ruin. It was his tie-breaking single off Kerry Wood in Game 7 that was the game-winning hit in the Marlins’ clinching victory.
So I just have one question here. How did Derrek Lee score six runs with one double? Oh, right — because the Cubs fucked up two routine plays in a row and let the Marlins load the bases. And then continued to bleed runs after Lee was already gone.
From here he just says the same things over and over again. Well, anyhow, until this gem:
The Cubs are hitting .259 as a team this season — the same team average they had in 2003. But they’re hitting six points lower (.253) with runners in scoring position.
Holy mother of fuck. Six points? Fucking SIX points of team batting average? That’s the stat you want to make your case around? I don’t even know what to say to that.
No, wait, yes I do: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. .253 and .259 are the same. That is the same batting average. Six addition hits per THOUSAND at-bats means not a goddamn thing. Here are a few things more important than that idiot stew you’re pretending is analysis:
• The Cubs sucked at hitting in 2003, and suck at hitting again in 2010. If only there were some other element in baseball; something else that could be different… oh, wait, there is! There’s goddamn pitching. The Cubs had otherworldly pitching in 2003, with Prior, Wood, Zambrano, and Clement all pitching out of their minds, and a bullpen full of nobodies like Mike Remlinger and Kyle Farnsworth and Joe Borowski who had absolutely amazing years. The 2010 Cubs? The starting pitching’s been tolerable, but the bullpen has been unstoppably bad. That’s the difference right there — not some effectively nonexistent difference between BA and BA/RISP.
• The Cubs’ actually-good bullpen in 2003 allowed Dusty Hollingsworth Baker-Stupid to pitch Prior and Wood for about ten thousand innings down the stretch, effectively ending their careers in exchange for a playoff berth. Loopy Nella wouldn’t think of that even if it were an option. Because it’s a dumb option.
• OMg the curSE!!!
So that’s it for that jackass. Good riddance. But over here is some ugly motherfucker who’s written an even dumber smear piece! I’m not going to attack the whole thing, because it’s really beneath my intellectual level. I’ll just pick on this one piece:
Derrek Lee joined the club Wednesday as he greeted the media with a big smile after waiving his 10-and-5 rights to join a winning organization.
Derrek Lee’s contract had a full no-trade clause. I mean, sure, he also had 10-and-5, but it didn’t really matter, since he had a full no-trade clause. Research is hard, though.
Understand, this is the same guy who rejected a trade to the Angels because he didn’t want to uproot his family. But now he agreed to join the Braves because they’re in first place. Which is it, pal? Family or first place? Or is it just whatever’s convenient?
The Angels:
• Are out of playoff contention
• Play in Los Angeles, which is 1739 miles from Chicago
• Already have a star first baseman who is on the DL
The Braves:
• Are, with Derrek Lee, 94.1% likely to make the playoffs
• Play in Hotlanta, which is 718 miles from Chicago
• Do not have a first baseman, like, at all
These are all differences. But I’m sure you’re right — it was a personal insult to you. Or whatever the fuck you’re whining about.
Look, I like Lee. I respect his professionalism.
Look, I don’t like you. I find your lack of professionalism pretty repulsive. And you’re ugly.
