The Dord of Darien

Musings from the Mayor of the Internet


Fuck the heck?

No, seriously: fuck the heck?

August 27th, 2009 Posted by | Games | no comments

Blood and gore and bones and intestines

Wired has an interview with Blizzard’s Jay Wilson which is mainly about the mature content in Diablo III, and about the interviewer’s apparent shock that Wilson allows his nine-year-old daughter to play a gory game. Wilson makes a number of good points about how different segments of the public perceive different types of content as more or less objectionable than others, and comes down, with all intelligent people, on the side of "people need to make their own decisions about what’s unacceptable to them." Too bad he makes an ass of himself by saying that he doesn’t let his daughter "see games that have any guns in them," following on almost immediately by mentioning that she likes World of Warcraft.

You know me; I’m never in favour of centrally-enforced anything, much less censorship. And I’m glad to see that Wilson is bright enough not to compromise the artistic vision of the Diablo series just to appease busybody dipshits or to court a dubious expansion in the fan base.

Also noteworthy to me is where he talks about bashing the skeleton right out of some dude, and how something even as over-the-top gory as that got kind of stale and humdrum when they used it too much. That’s a nice insight: keep the really spectacular effects uncommon, or you’ll cheapen them and nobody will think they’re such big shit anymore.

August 26th, 2009 Posted by | Games | no comments

We’re too busy singing to put anybody down

One of the previously-unknown Diablo III classes has been unveiled, and, hey hey, it’s the Monkee. The gameplay trailer makes it look pretty fun (even with the limited skillset available in the current build), which is a plus since it’s most likely the class I’ll end up playing. I have this thing for fast melee holy warriors. Sue me.

Speculation is rampant about what the yet-unknown fifth class may be. The smart money’s on some type of ranged non-caster; Diablo had melee (warrior), ranged (rogue), and caster (sorceror), whereas Diablo II had fast melee (paladin), slow melee (barbarian), ranged (amazon), primary caster (sorceress), and pet caster (teenomancer). Diablo III so far has fast melee (monk), slow melee (barbarian again), primary caster (wizard), and pet caster (troll witch doctor), so all that’s missing is that ranged slot. I’ve heard rumours that it might be this, but I can’t guarantee anything.

Another thought — though highly whimsical — is that old favourite the bard. The bard is the only Hellfire class that hasn’t appeared in official Diablo games yet, so there’s that. On the other hand, Diablo is gothic fantasy, and the bard isn’t precisely dark, hey? Nor are they precisely dank. So I expect not.

Another possibility is a shifting class. It won’t be the druid, since that was in Lord of Destruction, and Blizzard stated that the barbarian is the only returning class. Some variation of the sha’ir could be fun, but highly unlikely.

Of course, if I had my way, we all know what it would be.

August 23rd, 2009 Posted by | Games | no comments

Judo chop!

Remember this?

Well, I found the Samurai Delicatessen video on Hulu. So here you are. See what I mean about the resemblance?

August 22nd, 2009 Posted by | Bullshit | no comments

I wish I could do that

August 20th, 2009 Posted by | Shock and awe | no comments


Mediocre Oakland Athletics outfielder Jack Cust has uncovered the truth about the Mitchell Report: it was a far-reaching conspiracy to bolster the Red Sox! As evidence, he offers the eminently deniable fact that no Red Sox appeared in the report, and the allegation that the only possible reason for this untruth to be the truth is that senator Mitchell stood to gain financially from it.

Here’s another potential reason. The Mitchell Report was mostly gleaned from information given by two trainers, neither of whom had ever worked with the Red Sox. If one were to pay attention instead of just mindlessly reacting, one might also notice that there are other teams lacking in much representation in the Mitchell Report. One may also notice that senator Mitchell himself denied that the report was comprehensive.

So, good work, Jack Cust! You win the 2009 Stupid Conspiracy Theory award, with a bonus award for lack of originality. Well played!

August 18th, 2009 Posted by | Baseball | no comments

Tear that shit up, Aldrin!

Taking a page out of Barry Zito’s playbook, American folk hero and two-fisted anti-asshole vigilante Buzz Aldrin has accepted $126 million from the Giants to suck recorded a song. The difference is that, while Zito’s song was a ridiculous oozy pop mess, Aldrin has recorded… well, it’s a rap song. It’s about going to the moon. You should just watch the video.

Remember when I first discovered that Aldrin was black? Just sayin’.

August 18th, 2009 Posted by | Bullshit | no comments

Get your Shatner on

I love that guy.

August 15th, 2009 Posted by | Bullshit | no comments

I know, but I had to

I just couldn’t resist. You seen this? Check this shit out:

There is a lot of disinformation about health insurance reform out there, spanning from control of personal finances to end of life care. These rumors often travel just below the surface via chain emails or through casual conversation. Since we can’t keep track of all of them here at the White House, we’re asking for your help. If you get an email or see something on the web about health insurance reform that seems fishy, send it to

No lie: that text is posted on The Obama administration’s official web site is exhorting us to turn in fellow citizens who say "fishy" things about health care reform. If I may be so pretentious as to quote from Emerson here, "what the fuck is this fucking shit?" That’s low even for these scumbags.

But you know me. I’m a jackass. No way could I leave something like that alone. So I had to report some fishy things I’ve heard from the internet. Always glad to do my part for America! The full text of my e-mail follows. I’ll keep you posted if I hear back.

I’m glad to see the federal government is finally granting me what I always thought I deserved: a cushy position as honorary deputy in the Thought Police! I dig that, man. So I was doing my part for America, searching the internet for those fishy statements about health care that Speaker Pelosi and I completely agree are un-American — I don’t see why these people can’t take their public protests, free speech, and civil disobedience to some other country where those things are considered acceptable — and I found a real motherload of them. Have you *seen* the kinds of things they’re saying about health care reform on They’re making some really crazy claims there, like about how the administration’s plan will stop rationing of a product that exists in finite supply — forget basic economics for the moment, this is downright mathematically impossible. Farther down the page from where the explicit statement "Reform will stop ‘rationing,’" though, we get the line "reform will forbid many forms of rationing that are currently being used by insurance companies." This is a classic bait-and-switch; which is it, Will the plan stop rationing, or will it merely forbid some types of rationing? Speaker Pelosi and I find this sort of drowning-out of the facts with hyperbole and fairy stories highly un-American.

Professor George Lakoff (UC Berkeley) said "The Democrats still believe in Enlightenment reason: If you just tell people the truth, they will come to the right conclusion." I have to say, I am 100% on board with professor Lakoff and the Democratic Party here. What I think we need to do is get our enlightened selves together, though, and maybe come up with a backup plan in case the unwashed masses don’t reach the *correct* right conclusion. Fellow enlightenist and highly American American Michael Wolff — I’m sure I speak for Speaker Pelosi as well as myself in my approval of the Americanness of his Americanosity — already tried calling them names on the internet (in re: ), and that didn’t seem to work. I have to be honest with you: that’s pretty much the only idea I had, and the entirety of my skill set, so I’m stumped. Maybe you can come up with something better, though. You could try dusting off the old Alien and Sedition Acts. You know, the parts that aren’t still 50 U.S.C. ss. 21-24. I think if these un-American anti-Americans won’t stop spreading their un-American wrong right conclusions, we need to return to the glory days of American policy, when people respected the government or went to jail.

I’ve also heard a quote being passed around that says that "the powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people." Supposedly this means the government can’t nationalise industries, redistribute wealth, or force people to spend their money in certain ways. I don’t know who wrote that crap, but it’s clearly un-American, and we need to track this guy down. I’ll admit upfront: I’m no expert on the Constitution, but one thing I do know is that health care is an inalienable right of all citizens — I heard that on the TV, and it’s catchy, so I know it’s true — which means clearly it’s in the Constitution. Probably some amendment. I dunno. The 41st? Something like that. Who has time to read this stuff, anyhow?

Anyhow, that’s what I’ve found for now. I’ll keep an eye open, though; as long as we freedom-loving Americans continue to work together to ferret out and repress ideas and statements not worthy of our country, we can build a strong and glorious future for ourselves, for our children, and for our children’s children, and for their children, and probably theirs too, and so on into the night. If you need anything else, don’t hesitate to ask me, because I’m only too happy to spy on my fellow citizens in support of the Party.

— D

August 15th, 2009 Posted by | Bullshit | one comment

Breaking update!

This just in!

"San Diego State pitcher Stephen Strasburg was the first pick of the MLB draft and has yet to sign. However, all indications point to the stud right-hander either signing a pro contract or perhaps pulling an Aaron Crow and heading to the Independent League to prepare for another draft next summer."

You heard it here first, folks: the indicators are indicating that Stephen Strasburg will either sign or else he will not sign! This has been the internet with an important sports update.

August 12th, 2009 Posted by | Baseball | no comments