The Dord of Darien

Musings from the Mayor of the Internet

Milton Bradley: game over

Sorry. There’s actually a legally-mandated minimum number of hi-larious pun headlines you have to write or they won’t let you write about baseball. It’s true.

You remember back in April, when I said everybody just needed to cool out about Miltie and give him a chance to prove he could be a non-shithead? Well, verdict is in. He didn’t pull it off.

Milton Bradley has been suspended indefinitely for this interview with the Daily Herald, in which he shit-talks the Cubs organisation, the Cubs fans, and the Chicago media. Actually, according to him, his problem is with "everybody," which is not really a promising sign.

I’m not too impressed with Jim Hendry’s thought process, but that’s not new information. He’s kind of a buffoon. "I just decided late last night that’s what I was going to do, and I didn’t give it a lot of thought what’s going to transpire moving forward. I just felt like it was time to do this," Hendry said, allegedly in between giant bites of cheese fries. Two problems with this:

1) I do not think that word means what you think it means.
2) Don’t you think maybe you could have given some thought to it? I mean, we all know what a fan I am of acting on raw emotion, but maybe when millions of dollars and people’s careers are all on the line is a good time for thinking. But I guess we’re a measure once, cut twice kind of guy.

Milton, I’ve been on your side all year long. I was there when Hendry signed you, defending your awesome numbers against the accusations of buttheads that you had bad intangibles. I was there in April, like I said before, telling everybody to ease up a bit and let you demonstrate whether or not you’d learned anything in the past few years. I was there in Spring Training, pointing out how insane your ridiculous cartoon numbers were. And Just last week I pointed out to a dumb dummy that your team-leading OBP was, in fact, an awesome thing. I think you’re an awesome baseball player. I was the one person in all creation saying, hey, yeah, Milton’s having a bad year, but it’s not that bad — he’s still getting on base at a good clip. So, yeah, that’s me: one of those fans and one of those media assholes who you accuse of bashing you, never giving you credit for anything, and creating a negative environment for you.

God damn, man. Even Ryan Dempster thinks you’re being an ass. He’s a mediocre Canadian pitcher who makes way ridiculous shitloads of money, and you’ve even managed to piss him off. That’s not easy. Derrek Lee is the coolest dude in baseball, and even he couldn’t come up with a positive spin for you. What chance do I, as a humble internet asshole, have?

None. Milton, seriously. Get a grip. You brought all this on yourself, and you’re just digging yourself in deeper and deeper. It’s time to swallow your pride, apologise to the Chicago Cubs and their fans and the Chicago media and, apparently, "everybody," and take your criticisms like a man. You stank it up at the plate this year. Does that mean you’re a bad person and everybody hates you? Seen Derrek Lee’s 2008 lately? He was pretty fucking bad. He is probably my favourite player in all of baseball. See how he had one bad season and got past it and I still love him? If you’d learned to relax for ten seconds that could have been you, too. But I think you blew it. I mean, for fuck’s sake, you seen the numbers Fonzie put up this year? He was awful. Like, way, way worse than you. And he got booed too. And then he’d hit a walkoff homer to win a game in extra innings and get a standing ovation. That’s baseball, Miltie. And Fonzie will still be here next year.

Seriously, Milton. Think about that. You’re being a bigger dick than Alfonso Soriano. That’s a sure sign that the problem isn’t the Chicago Cubs, Cubs fans, the Chicago press, the city of Chicago, and everybody. No, more likely the problem is just one dude.

And it isn’t Alex Rodriguez, though, this being a baseball article, I can see why you’d think it is.

September 21st, 2009 Posted by | Baseball | no comments

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