The Dord of Darien

Musings from the Mayor of the Internet


Hey, gang, Barry Bonds is in trouble! Let’s put on a show!

So Barry Bonds has been indicted for perjury as part of the ongoing BALCO investigation. I guess there’s something the jury found unconvincing about his testimony… nineteen times. Perhaps it was the fact that he stood there in front of them and his dialated eyes bulged out of his giant swollen pumpkin head as he told them he never took steroids. You know, allegedly. I for one have no idea – for all I know he’s as pure and innocent as the new mown snow. But, man, sucker has a great big head, and sure didn’t back in ’98. Odd how some people just get that late-30’s head growth spurt.

November 17th, 2007 Posted by | Baseball | 3 comments


  1. There was a great picture in the book “Game of Shadows” that shows Old Barry (pre 1999 or 2000) next to New Barry (post 2000). New Barry has his hat off and you can see his massive pumpkin head, while Old Barry had his boring regular-sized head. The caption said something very close to this:

    “There are only two reasons known to medicine for a full-grown man’s cranium to expand. One is a disease called Acromeglia, also known as Gigantism, that causes the extremities of the body to grow throughout a person’s life. The second is the excessive use of human growth hormone. Barry Bonds does not suffer from Acromeglia.”

    I love that quote just for how it accuses him of something without, you know, actually saying “DUDE TOOK HGH! LOOK AT THAT MASSIVE HEAD!”

    Comment by Dave | 18 November 2007

  2. I kind of want to get that book. I mean, it’s muckraking, but this particular muck could use a bit of rake.

    And, yeah, that’s definitely the way to go about accusing somebody of something if you can’t prove it. "It’s a perfectly logical explanation, and… there isn’t any other."

    Comment by Darien | 18 November 2007

  3. “Everyone in our front office has known about Bonds since the 2001 season,” said San Francisco-area accounts-receivable secretary Mindy Harris of McCullers and Associates, Ltd. “People in our ninth-floor office, too, and all seven branch offices. None of us were sure exactly which kind of steroids he was on, but we were pretty sure it was the kind that causes you to gain 30 pounds of muscle in one offseason, get injured more easily, become slow-footed, shave your head to conceal your thinning hair, lash out at the media and fans, engage in violent and abrupt mood swings, grow taut tree-trunk-like neck muscles, expand your hatband by six inches, and hit 73 home runs in a single season.”

    The Onion is what I’m talking about, yo.

    Comment by Darien | 18 November 2007

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