The Dord of Darien

Musings from the Mayor of the Internet

It’s August and I’m pissed

The Cubs are horrible. Heartbreakingly, disgustingly horrible. Horribawful. I mean really, really bad. So I’m pissed off to begin with. And then in their death throes they go and trade away my pretty pony. So now I’m really pissed.

Then, just to piss me off even more, along comes this asshole to pile on. I guess he’s called Mark Potash, and now I’ll put my foot in his article.

Derrek Lee’s legacy in Chicago is one that many will ignore: Nothing he did here as a Cub could quite erase the pain he inflicted as a Marlin.

Fuck you.

I mean, seriously, this is just the first line of this article, and already you’re being so stupid that I’m just swearing at you instead of actually critiquing anything. You want a critique? Okay, here’s a critique: that pain was inflicted a little bit by Mark Prior, a little bit by Dusty Hollingsworth Baker-Stupid, but mostly by the other Alex Gonzalez, who booted the world’s most routine double-play ball and virtually handed the stupid Fish the win.

Now, did you notice anything all those people have in common? That’s right: they were all Cubs personnel. We did that shit to ourselves. That is the common theme of the epic 2003 collapse. Nobody blames Derrek Lee, except your own crazy ass.

Lee’s acknowledgement Wednesday of the "negative environment" at Wrigley Field was dripping with irony. With all due respect, it is Lee who — unwittingly — had a huge hand in creating that environment.

What are you, seven years old? The Cubs have been losing for way longer than that. No less a personage than Greg Maddux is on record saying that the Cubs had a negative environment back in the late 80s and early 90s — but you know when the Cubs didn’t have a negative environment? 2003 and 2007. Can you guess why?

Seriously, Diane, get a grip. Negative environment is a side-effect of the team with the third-highest payroll in MLB losing a hundred games. Ask the Mets about that sometime; bet you they’ll agree.

Also, you know what Lee actually said? Can you guess? Here it is:

"I think having to hear about losing kind of puts you in a negative environment. I don’t think that’s conducive to winning."

Wow, really called out the horribleness of the Cubs there, didn’t he.

As a Marlin in 2003, it was his bases-loaded double in the eighth inning off Mark Prior — right after the infamous “Gonzalez Play” — that tied Game 6 of the NLCS against the Cubs and sparked the six-run rally that started the Cubs on the road to ruin. It was his tie-breaking single off Kerry Wood in Game 7 that was the game-winning hit in the Marlins’ clinching victory.

So I just have one question here. How did Derrek Lee score six runs with one double? Oh, right — because the Cubs fucked up two routine plays in a row and let the Marlins load the bases. And then continued to bleed runs after Lee was already gone.

From here he just says the same things over and over again. Well, anyhow, until this gem:

The Cubs are hitting .259 as a team this season — the same team average they had in 2003. But they’re hitting six points lower (.253) with runners in scoring position.

Holy mother of fuck. Six points? Fucking SIX points of team batting average? That’s the stat you want to make your case around? I don’t even know what to say to that.

No, wait, yes I do: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. .253 and .259 are the same. That is the same batting average. Six addition hits per THOUSAND at-bats means not a goddamn thing. Here are a few things more important than that idiot stew you’re pretending is analysis:

• The Cubs sucked at hitting in 2003, and suck at hitting again in 2010. If only there were some other element in baseball; something else that could be different… oh, wait, there is! There’s goddamn pitching. The Cubs had otherworldly pitching in 2003, with Prior, Wood, Zambrano, and Clement all pitching out of their minds, and a bullpen full of nobodies like Mike Remlinger and Kyle Farnsworth and Joe Borowski who had absolutely amazing years. The 2010 Cubs? The starting pitching’s been tolerable, but the bullpen has been unstoppably bad. That’s the difference right there — not some effectively nonexistent difference between BA and BA/RISP.

• The Cubs’ actually-good bullpen in 2003 allowed Dusty Hollingsworth Baker-Stupid to pitch Prior and Wood for about ten thousand innings down the stretch, effectively ending their careers in exchange for a playoff berth. Loopy Nella wouldn’t think of that even if it were an option. Because it’s a dumb option.

• OMg the curSE!!!

So that’s it for that jackass. Good riddance. But over here is some ugly motherfucker who’s written an even dumber smear piece! I’m not going to attack the whole thing, because it’s really beneath my intellectual level. I’ll just pick on this one piece:

Derrek Lee joined the club Wednesday as he greeted the media with a big smile after waiving his 10-and-5 rights to join a winning organization.

Derrek Lee’s contract had a full no-trade clause. I mean, sure, he also had 10-and-5, but it didn’t really matter, since he had a full no-trade clause. Research is hard, though.

Understand, this is the same guy who rejected a trade to the Angels because he didn’t want to uproot his family. But now he agreed to join the Braves because they’re in first place. Which is it, pal? Family or first place? Or is it just whatever’s convenient?

The Angels:
• Are out of playoff contention
• Play in Los Angeles, which is 1739 miles from Chicago
• Already have a star first baseman who is on the DL

The Braves:
• Are, with Derrek Lee, 94.1% likely to make the playoffs
• Play in Hotlanta, which is 718 miles from Chicago
• Do not have a first baseman, like, at all

These are all differences. But I’m sure you’re right — it was a personal insult to you. Or whatever the fuck you’re whining about.

Look, I like Lee. I respect his professionalism.

Look, I don’t like you. I find your lack of professionalism pretty repulsive. And you’re ugly.

August 19th, 2010 Posted by | Baseball | no comments

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