Sammy’s tiny violin
Sammy Sosa is all bent out of shape because the Cubs didn’t retire his number. It says so on the internet, so it must be true.
Don’t be dense, Sammy. Sure, you left on rough terms with the Cubs, and, sure, you’re looking mighty odd these days, but I think we both know why the Cubs don’t retire your number. No? No guesses at all? Here’s a hint. The Cubs just don’t need that kind of PR trouble right now, what with new ownership, a new manager, and a team that’s going to lose a hundred goddamn games this year.
Also, holy shit, Sammy, the Cubs don’t retire a lot of numbers. Ernie Banks, Billy Williams, Ron Santo, Ryne Sandberg, Fergie Jenkins, and Greg Maddux — that’s it. They didn’t retire Andre Dawson’s number, or Mark Grace’s number, or even goddamn Cap Anson’s… persona, I guess, since they didn’t wear numbers back then. I gotta say, it’d be a nice gesture, but at least Grace has to be in line in front of you, man. So cool out the angst in re: Tyler Colvin, hey?
