The Dord of Darien

Musings from the Mayor of the Internet

Pasta

Dried pasta is so cheap and so ubiquitous that a great many people aren’t aware that there can be more to pasta than that. Now, I know what you’re thinking: what’s with this asshole? Even Barilla isn’t good enough for him? Fuck you, man. Fuck you. But slow down there, hoss! I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with dried pasta. It’s a perfectly good food item, but, let’s face it, not much of a dish in and of itself. Without a sauce on it, there’s not much to it. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that it’s more of a sauce-to-face communication medium than an actual food in and of itself. Pasta can be more than that, though, and everybody should make some now and again. Don’t worry; it’s not painful.

The primary ingredients are flour, water, and olive oil. Don’t skimp and use a crap oil here; you don’t need a whole lot, and you won’t get high-quality output from low-quality ingredients. The traditional method is to mound the flour up in a heap, dig a little “well” in the centre, and then add water into the well and slowly work it through. Me, I like to use a bowl instead. So dump in your flour, a rougly equal volume of water, and a tablespoon or so of oil, plus whatever herbs and spices you favour, and a bit of salt. Mix it thoroughly – get your hands dirty here, it’s a pain in the ass with a spoon. The goal is for it to come out somewhat firm and elastic, but still pliable. If it’s crumbly, you need to add more water; if it’s sticky, you need more flour. Once you get the mix right, cover it with a wet towel and go away for a half-hour so the pasta gnomes can work their Dark Sorcery upon it.

When the gnomes are finished, you’re going to want to flatten the dough out into a sheet. You want it a lot flatter than you think, since it’s going to puff up when you cook it. If you own a pasta mill, this is about where that gets involved, but, then, if you own a pasta mill, you already know all this and you’re just reading so you can heckle me later, so fat chance I help you any. Once your dough is all flat and smooth, you cut it into whatever shape or shapes you desire. One key factor to keep in mind here is that, even though the pasta doesn’t stick to you at this point, it’ll still stick to itself. In fact, it will stick to itself quite aggressively. I suggest waxed paper and flour to combat this. Just don’t let two pieces of dough come into contact with each other if you don’t want them to assimilate each other into the Dough Borg.

Cooking the pasta is a simple matter, and basically the same as cooking dried pasta, with the exception of the time. You’ll only cook fresh pasta for about two minutes (assuming you haven’t made something peculiar), and then it’s done. It won’t have the same colour or texture as the dried kind, but it should be firm enough to hold itself together. Once your pasta is cooked, you can sauce it anyway you like. Alternatively, you may find fresh pasta delicious with only a bit of oil. Try it lots of different ways, and don’t hesitate to experiment; if you do something wrong, hey, Escoffier is not looking. It’s okay.


September 25th, 2007 Posted by | Food, Recipes | 3 comments

Red Sox fans

I swear, Red Sox fans are the weirdest baseball fans in the world. The Red Sox won the World Series in 2004, and now it seems like any further titles are irrelevant. Every Red Sox fan I know is singing the same tune – all that matters is winning the division. That they’re guaranteed a postseason appearance no matter what is no consolation if the Yankees win the division.

Coming from a Cubs fan’s perspective, this is just plain odd. I can’t imagine being that jaded about the World Series after only one win in ninety years. But I guess it’s just part of the Boston / New York rivalry – the competition extends to “who can be more jaded” also. Chicago’s ethos is completely different; here we are on the cusp of one hundred consecutive winless seasons, with spectacular collapses in 2003 and 2004 fresh in mind, but we’re not like that. I mean, sure, it’s nice to see St. Louis trailing by ten games, but it’s all about the championship.


September 25th, 2007 Posted by | Baseball | 2 comments

Food!

Let’s face it: everybody eats. The claims of some peculiar bullshit artists aside, everybody does in fact eat. Another fact: everybody reading this – which is to say, everybody wealthy enough to have access to a computer and the run of the internet – has access to what is, by the standards of the history of man, some truly damn fine food. Of course, by those standards, all it means to have damn fine food is that it’s not putrid and infested with maggots, but I’d say we’ve done a hair better than that. We here in the future have not only safe and hygenic food, but also easily-available delicious and attractive food. We have garnishes, sauces, herbs, spices, and spirits available off the shelf at what are frankly amazing prices. In the context of the sixteenth century, do you have any idea how staggering and ridiculous the concept of black pepper being a table spice is?

That said, what bothers me is how many people in this day and age have access to good food but eat bad food and don’t even realise it. There’s a whole world of cuisine out there, and for so many people it begins with frozen dinners and ends with Domino’s, which is a great definition for "tragic." So part of what I do here is going to be to introduce people to good food – and I don’t mean "HAY GUYZ LOOK AT THING U CAN GET IN PARIS FOR $500 A PLATE!!" but, rather, I mean to point out delicious things that are affordable, accessible, and easy to make (I may allow myself the occasional foray into the truly grandiose, but it’ll mostly be reaosnable). I will provide recipes and tips and instructions, but with one caveat: my recipes are all Darien-style. Which is to say, they’ll be somewhat impromptu and utterly lacking in exact measurements or temperatures. If you’re not comfortable working like that, there are plenty of places that will make up numbers to suit your specifications, but here you’ll get more general terms. That’s how we work in my kitchen, and we’ve been known to produce some excellent dishes. So buckle up and enjoy the ride, and please do try some of this stuff out.


September 25th, 2007 Posted by | Food | one comment

Now appearing: The Dord of Darien

I’m pretty sure I know how you are. You sit around all day, reloading my world-famous web site, thinking to yourself “damn, I wish Darien would write more.” Well guess whose prayers just got the shit answered out of themselves? I’m crapping out this basically-valueless blog because I sometimes want to write something that’s too irrelevant or too ephemeral for the main site. Sometimes I put them there anyhow, but that’s not the point. Now anytime I want to blather about anything, hey, I have this thing. If you’re new here, check out the About page for more sweary nonsense that probably won’t get you any closer to understanding what this is about.


September 25th, 2007 Posted by | Meta-meta | no comments