The Dord of Darien

Musings from the Mayor of the Internet


You ever see those adds for those phony internet "IQ tests" that say something on the order of "the average IQ on the Arizona Diamondbacks is 126! How do you stack up?" All I’m saying is I’m thinking 126 might be 113 points or so too high for the Florida Marlins.

Can you believe that shit? They’re too afraid of ghosts to sleep alone? What the fuck? I mean, I realise we don’t pay baseball players based on intelligence, but I expect a little bit more brains than that. Or at least a bit more testosterone. Can you imagine what Ty Cobb would have done to a ghost? He’d have spiked that greasy mofo, that’s what. And Pete Rose? Come on. He was Superman. He once single-handedly obliterated Ray Fosse for having the goddamn gall to try to get him out. In an exhibition game.

I’d just like to take this opportunity to perform a few minutes of my court-ordered civil service and point out to the Florida Marlins that there is no such a fucking thing as ghosts. No, Carlos Gomez, ghosts don’t exist even if your iPod did spoooooooookily start vibrating even after you were totally sure you’d turned it off. Your homework for tonight is to come up with just one single explanation for this phenomenon that’s more likely than ghosts. If you don’t do a good job, I’ll have to send you to special education.

May 15th, 2009 Posted by | Baseball, Bullshit | 2 comments


  1. The best part of that article is where it says Adrian Beltre slept with a bat to protect him from the ghosts.

    What the hell is a bat going to do to a ghost? Never mind that they don’t exist, everybody who claims they DO exist always also claim that they’re misty and incorporeal. That’s fancy talk for YOUR BAT WOULD GO RIGHT THROUGH IT BELTRE! IT WOULD HIT NOTHING! Just like it does after every fastball you see.


    Comment by Dave | 15 May 2009

  2. Yeah, what he should really sleep with is a flashlight.

    And a vaccuum cleaner.

    Comment by Nyperold | 17 May 2009

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