The Dord of Darien

Musings from the Mayor of the Internet

Mega burn on Fangraphs

"I think most members of the BBWAA are smarter than Jon Heyman."

I would concur with this idea, Dave. But, then, I think most members of the igneous rock family are smarter than Jon Heyman.

I’d like to take this opportunity to remind Jon Heyman to fuck right off.


August 4th, 2010 Posted by | Baseball, Bullshit | no comments

Mr. 600

I’ve been watching every Yankees game for, like, nine years now waiting for A-Rod to hit his damn 600th home run. I suffered through Cleveland’s announcers for that entire series hoping that Saint Alexander would deign to end my torment, but it was not to be (and, seriously, fuck watching YES). And wouldn’t you know it? Like the gutless, un-clutch chokey chokemaster he is, A-Fraud elects to hit his homer during the one game — the one damn game — that took place while I was at work.

Fuck you, A-Rod. Fuck you on so many levels.

Am I the only one who thought that the reason A-Rod hadn’t hit a homer in 1400 plate appearances or whatever was because he got bored with the idea of being the youngest player ever to hit 600 and decided it would be more fun to be the oldest?

Somebody should make a carnival strength-tester game where you hit a ball with a bat and then it lights up your strength:

Bonds
Aaron
Ruth
Mays
Griffey
Sosa
A-Rod

That would be funny. Also, they’d get sued about a million different ways, and that would be funny too.


August 4th, 2010 Posted by | Baseball | no comments

Answering the X-Factor!

Jeff Passan’s column today is a pretty decent August intro formatted as a goofy ABC thing. Which is fine; journalists always need gimmicks, and this isn’t a bad one as these things go. But his Entry for X is X-Factor, and, while I expected that would mean this fucking guy, it was actually a list of fifteen questions; one for each contending team. Humorously, only one team from the AL West is listed, which I think might change their status from "contending" to "winned," but there you are.

Because I’m the muthafuckin’ font of all knowledge and don’t you forget it, I’ve decided to answer his hypotheticals. No, don’t thank me, it’s all part of the job.

New York Yankees: Alex Rodriguez – Is the power still there?

Man goes 35 plate appearances without a home run and everybody decides he’s washed up. Meanwhile, that other asshole I thought this whole article was going to be about hit eight home runs in the whole entire 2005 season, and got fifteen goddamn MVP votes for his efforts. And then hit two in the 2006 and made the All-Star Team. Two! For fuck’s sake.

What were we talking about? Oh, right: A-Roid. Yes, the power’s still there, Martha. Man’s hit 16 home runs this year, which is off his career average by a bit, but he’s 34 and in decline. He’s still showing a .208 ISO, which ain’t too bad, though it’s down a bit too. He’s definitely having an off year. But a .208 ISO does not indicate that the power is all gone — that’s good for 42nd in MLB (of 167 qualified players), exactly tied with (get this) Evan Longoria, and just a hair behind Dusty McHustle and Vlad Guerrero, neither of whom is theoretically used-up and power-less. So, really, it’s 35 PA. These things happen.

Incidentally, if you want to think about something that really has been missing from A-Rod’s game this year, try the discipline. He’s walked only 42 times in 428 PA, which is only 9.8% — his BB% last year was 15%. His SecA is down to .320 (from a career average of .421) largely because of this.

Tampa Bay Rays: Jeremy Hellickson – Can the rookie, who makes a spot start Monday, make the Rays’ pitching even more dangerous?

He’s been awesome in AAA, though whether he should be starting or helping to fill in the bullpen now that Grant Strikethree has gotten himself DLed due to wrasslin’ with a coach (true story) is a bit of an open question from here on. Not sure that the thick of a pennant race is the exact right time to bring up untried AAA dudes and send them out there for six-seven innings.

Boston Red Sox: John Lackey – Why has he given up so many hits this season?

Because he’s not very good. Didn’t I tell you that last season? I was right.

Okay, I’m sorry. I know that’s not an answer. I just enjoy being the only person who seemed to realise that Lackey wasn’t very good and that the Red Sox were flushing huge amounts of money right down his fat mouth with that contract. I’ll answer the question seriously.

The serious answer is… he hasn’t given up that many runs this season. It only seems like it because he was supposed to be a monster. But his H/9 is only .8 higher than his career average, which means that he’s giving up one more hit every other start than he does normally. That ain’t a big spike. His BABIP is .315, which is a bit elevated (though not by much — he’s a career .307 pitcher), and his LD% is up (21% against 19%), so hitters are probably being a little bit lucky against him.

But, seriously, the problem is that Lackey just isn’t that good. His OPS-against is .773, which is downright awful (Major League average is .754, for pete’s sake). Hitters are getting on base against him — which, given his career-high 3.3 BB/9 and career-low 5.4 K/9, isn’t too hard to do — and they’re hitting the ball hard (.424 SLGA).

In a nutshell: Lackey has always been pretty average, hasn’t been treated well by the move from Angel Stadium to Fenway, walks too many dudes, and doesn’t strike anybody out. That’s why he’s bad.

Chicago White Sox: Bobby Jenks – How much longer is he closer?

Who knows with the crazy insane maniac they let run that team? I’ll tell you this, though: he should be replaced by J.J. Putz retroactive to, like, May. Perhaps if the Hose had a decent fucking manager that would have happened.

Minnesota Twins: Joe Mauer – Can his torrid July carry over?

Depends on what you mean. If you mean "will he be exactly that good for the rest of the season," then no. Mauer was way over his head in July — he is not a .344 / .392 / .570 player, contrary to what his gaudy 2009 numbers may suggest. But he’ll do a lot better than his rotten June. Expect his power to tail off a bit, though he should continue to get on base all the damn time.

Detroit Tigers: Max Scherzer – Are his last six weeks (51 2/3 innings, 52 strikeouts, 1.92 ERA) a mirage or a true blossoming?

I’ll assume you’re exempting his last start, when he got lit crazy up by the Red Sox? Even though it’s amazing that the Red Sox only scored one run off of him with the nine hits and a walk he gave them, that’s still a beating. Anyhow, it doesn’t really matter, because the real answer is "mirage." Scherzer’s BABIP has been thirty points lower than his career average over the last four weeks (six weeks would take me a custom filter to solve, so I just looked up four. Deal with it). He’s been getting a run of good luck and that’s about all.

Texas Rangers: Rich Harden – How long can he stay healthy?

Oh, is he healthy? I didn’t even realise. Let’s just say the pool will be in ten-minute increments.

Atlanta Braves: Jason Heyward – Will he recapture his early-season magic?

That depends largely on sportswriters, since most of Heyward’s early-season magic was hype anyhow. I mean, don’t get me wrong, now, he’s a good player, and I’m sure he’ll win the NL ROY in a walk (even though Tyler Colvin’s been better imvo), but his July splits of .356 / .457 / .458 are actually a bit better than I’m comfortable assuming that Heyward will shake out to be. Specifically, he ain’t hitting .356 for long, and that crazy OBP will come down along with it.

Though, come to think of it, why are you complaining about the recent performance of a dude whose July OBP was .457? That’s an amazing rate to get on base at.

Philadelphia Phillies: Jimmy Rollins – Where did the MVP go?

To somebody who didn’t even come close to deserving it is where. You know me — I’m hard on Jimmy Rollins. It’s not that I don’t like the dude — lord knows he was hilarious in that Dick’s commercial — it’s just that sportswriters like him way too much. He was pretty good in 2007 (though Matt Holliday was way better), but it was an anomaly. Did you know that Rollins is actually better this year than he was last year? He’s been worth 1 WAR to the Phillies this year, and he was only worth 0.9 last year. Consider that he’s had 184 PA this year against 725 last year, and that should tell you a few things. Namely, that anybody with a .296 OBP is complete ass no matter how much he hustles, and that he didn’t deserve that Gold Glove either.

St. Louis Cardinals: Ryan Franklin – Can he avoid a September (and October) like last season’s?

Uh. Ryan Franklin’s BABIP in September and October of last year was fucking .536. The damn league OPSed 1.007 against him. That’s insane. Yes, he will avoid that, unless the reason for it is that Tony the Red instructs all the Cardinals fielders to take naps when Franklin’s on the mound. I mean, a .536 BABIP? If I’ve ever seen a non-repeatable phenomenon, that’s it.

Cincinnati Reds: Aroldis Chapman – Will the Reds call on his 102-mph fastball for a bullpen reinforcement?

Not until he gets his walk rate under control, I’ll wager. He’s currently walking 5.2/9 in AAA, and that’s completely unacceptable. Also maybe the Reds upper management is keeping him in AAA until Dusty’s contract runs out, for which I cannot blame them.

San Diego Padres: Ryan Ludwick – Does he provide enough offense alongside Gonzalez?

Ludwick’s a career 117 OPS+ guy who’s been having a pretty good season. That maybe isn’t all you could ever hope for from a corner outfielder, but it ain’t bad. And it’s an improvement over the 104 OPS+ of Will Venable, which is what the Dads have been running out there all season long, and that got them into first place just fine. So: yes.

San Francisco Giants: Tim Lincecum – What happened to his fastball velocity?

It went with the money the Red Sox gave John Lackey: right down the terlet. Only Lincecum’s four-seamer is down; the rest of his pitches are actually faster than they used to be, which says (to my mind) that there’s a flaw somewhere in his mechanics, and not just that his arm is falling off from being wagged around like a big weird scarecrow. More alarming to me (though, apparently, not to anybody else) is that his four-seamer has lost almost all of its horizontal movement.

Did you know that Timmy’s actually throwing his two-seamer harder than his four-seamer right now? That’s weird.

Los Angeles Dodgers: Matt Kemp – Is it Rihanna’s fault?

I apparently don’t pay enough attention to… something. I have no idea who or what Rihanna is. That said, no, it isn’t — unless Rihanna is what caused Kemp to perform way better last year than he had in the past. Most likely it’s just that last year was a fluke, and this year is more like his true level of ability. Since it’s almost identical to his 2008, that seems kind of convincing to me.

Colorado Rockies: Troy Tulowitzki – His bat can’t possibly be enough, can it?

I sure hope it is, since it’s all they’ll let him use.

I’m assuming you didn’t mean "enough to carry the Rockies," because holy shit, man. Tulo ain’t even the best hitter on the team. His OPS+ is 122, which trails Seth Smith (123), Miguel Olivio (126), and Carlos Gonzalez (129). This would have been a better place for your "is the power still there" question, because: holy shit, Todd Helton, get it together already. Helton’s ISO is all the way down to .065 from a career average of .232. It’s almost worth saying "screw the defense" and just playing Giambalino out there.


August 2nd, 2010 Posted by | Baseball | no comments

This put a smile on my face

Every once in a while, life pitches you a nice, slow one right over the centre of the plate. Enjoy, guys. No, seriously, enjoy — we’re going to be getting a fair few jokes out of this one for the forseeable future.


August 2nd, 2010 Posted by | Games | no comments

It’s time to play "How Many Ways Is This Wrong?"

Everybody’s favourite game! Today, we’re looking at this article on The Bleacher Report. So go read that and come right back; we’re going to see just how many giant, unrecoverable errors it contains!

Let’s start with the little errors. Like the fact that, no, not all 2430 games are televised; every year there are a few late-season games between small-market teams that don’t manage to get on the air anywhere. Then there’s another question: is it really the MLBPA’s fault that MLB doesn’t have a test for HGH in place? Really? You sure it isn’t because there is no test for HGH that’s ever actually caught anybody? Because, hey, there isn’t, and that seems to most people like a pretty damn good reason not to subject baseball players to random fucking blood tests. Blood tests! This isn’t "pee in a cup," man. They actually stick needles into your multi-million-dollar assets and extract the vital fluids, all for the benefit of a test that has never ever actually caught anybody. Of course, since the WADA really wants a piece of those baseball billions truth, justice, and the American way, minor-league players are actually already subject to this random blood-sucking. You didn’t hear? They announced that a while ago.

Anyhow, those are some ways in which this article is wrong. But are you ready for the grand prize? Here we go: the main thing that’s wrong about this article is section 8.04 of the Official Rules of Baseball. I quote:

When the bases are unoccupied, the pitcher shall deliver the ball to the batter within 20 seconds after he receives the ball. Each time the pitcher delays the game by violating this rule, the umpire shall call "Ball." The intent of this rule is to avoid unnecessary delays. The umpire shall insist that the catcher return the ball promptly to the pitcher, and that the pitcher take his position on the rubber promptly. Obvious delay by the pitcher should instantly be penalized by the umpire.

This section comes shortly after rule 8.02, which contains the awesome line "to pitch at a batter’s head is unsportsmanlike and highly dangerous. It should be and is condemned by everybody." Emphasis, if you can believe this, is in the original. Everybody agrees with me! That means I win QED. I love that.

Anyhow, back to the point. As you can see, the "20 second pitch clock" with added ball is already in the rules of baseball. So, really, it wouldn’t be so difficult to get that rule in place, since, you know, that rule is already in place. Which means that Joe West should shut the fuck up and just enforce rule 8.04.

Have fun with that, Joe!


August 1st, 2010 Posted by | Baseball | one comment

Ozzie’s mouth is talking

What’s that disorder? That one where your mouth starts talking and it just never stops? Ozzie Guillen has that. And he also has another disorder, the medical name for which is "crazyass." Let’s see what kind of crazy is oozing out of his noise orifice today!

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen thinks Asian players are given privileges in the United States that Latinos are not afforded.

Well, good. At least it’s a new type of senseless race-baiting!

"I say, why do we have Japanese interpreters and we don’t have a Spanish one. I always say that. Why do they have that privilege and we don’t?"

I… what? Ozzie, I guess you’ve never noticed, but nearly thirty percent of all major league baseball players are hispanic — which is just about smack on 200 players — and that’s to say nothing of all the hispanic coaches and trainers and managers and what-have-you. You know what percentage of players are Japanese? 1.867%. There are fourteen. I don’t know about coaches and so forth, but I can’t think of any offhand. So there’s a reason why they bring in Japanese translators and not Spanish translators, Ozzie: there’s going to be somebody around who speaks Spanish who can handle the translating. Japanese… not so much.

"Don’t take this wrong, but they take advantage of us. We bring a Japanese player and they are very good and they bring all these privileges to them. We bring a Dominican kid … go to the minor leagues, good luck. Good luck. And it’s always going to be like that. It’s never going to change. But that’s the way it is."

Ozzie. Listen to me slowly. There. Are. Four. Teen. Japanese. Players. And you know what else? Nine Japanese players currently in the minor leagues. So, really, fuck the heck are you talking about? Also: the Japanese players come up through a different minor league. We call it NPB. There’s a separate draft ("posting," they call it) and everything to cover players coming from NPB.

Guillen, who is from Venezuela, said when he went to see his son, Oney, in Class-A, the team had a translator for a Korean prospect who "made more money than the players."

You know who else makes more money than A-ball players, Ozzie? I make more money than A-ball players, and I don’t do anything nearly as interesting or specialised as translating Korean. Fact is, A-ball players don’t get paid shit. Shouldn’t you know that? I mean, it looks to me like you spent a year (one whole year!) in Class A yourself. Incidentally: it’s hilarious that you only slugged .410 in the PCL, where everybody and his brother can slug .800.

"And we had 17 Latinos and you know who the interpreter was? Oney. Why is that? Because we have Latino coaches? Because here he is? Why? I don’t have the answer."

Sure you do. Those… are the answer. Since, by your own admission, translators aren’t cheap, why should they hire a translator when there’s no need? Oney was there and could do the job. If Oney hadn’t been there, maybe one of the other 17 Latinos would have. Or one of those coaches. Meanwhile, how many other Korean players were there? Do you see? Ozzie?

"We’re in the United States, we don’t have to bring any coaches that speak Spanish to help anybody. You choose to come to this country and you better speak English."

… Uh. Did anybody else have trouble making that sharp turn there? One second ago he was bemoaning how unfair it is that MLB doesn’t pay extraneous Spanish translators, and now he’s hitting the hardcore jingo love-it-or-leave-it card. Fact is, Ozzie, baseball is not like some sort of government "service." Now, I know you’re from Venezuela, where fucking everything is the property of the government, but MLB is a private entity running a business. And if what it needs to keep that business running well is a translator, it’s just going to hire the translator. This is because baseball doesn’t need you to vote for it, so it doesn’t need to pander to your prejudices. Do you see?

"It’s just not the White Sox, it’s baseball. We have a pitching coach that is Latino, but the pitching coach can’t talk about hitting with a Latino guy and that’s the way it is and we have to overcome all those (obstacles)."

I can’t figure out what obscenity Ozzie had in there that got censored to (obstacles). My best guess is that he said "all those bullshit," which doesn’t make any sense, but is about right for Ozzie Guillen.

Also, does anybody have any idea what Ozzie’s point is? He appears to be outraged that his pitching coach isn’t giving hitting instruction. And somehow this is a problem for all of baseball.

"You know why? Because we’re hungry, we grow up the right way, we come here to compete."

I like Ozzie better when he’s ever so slightly more coherent. I really have no idea what he’s talking about here. It seems to be nothing but more stupid chest-thumping macho bullshit, but… I don’t even know what the subject is.

Guillen said young prospects in Latin America are being influenced to use performance-enhancing drugs.

Thanks for the scoop, Ozzie. Imagine; if it weren’t for your hard work, we never would have known that true fact!

"It’s somebody behind the scene making money out of those kids and telling them to take something they’re not supposed to."

Ozzie pulls no punches. That goddamn someone! Making fucking money! Well, at least those young players can feel a little bit better: they didn’t end up trapped in space warped by someone!

"If you tell me, you take this … you’re going to be Vladimir Guerrero, you’re going to be Miguel Cabrera, you’re going to be this guy … I’ll do it. Because I have seven brothers that sleep in the same room. I have to take care of my mother, my dad. … Out of this I’m going to make money to make them better."

Sometimes I get the impression that Ozzie thinks he’s a Lifetime original movie. We fucking know that already, Ozzie. Baseball is the one real chance a lot of people in Latin America have to make something of themselves, and to do something for their families and their friends. And, yeah, they end up taking steroids so they can make the cut, because it seems like a better choice than spending the rest of their lives picking strawberries for Hugo Chavez. You’re not the bearer of any new Great Truths here, man.

"I’m the only one to teach the Latinos about not to use. I’m the only one and Major League Baseball doesn’t (care)."

This time I’m pretty sure he said either "give a shit" or "give a fuck."

"All they care about—how many times I argue with the umpires, what I say to the media. But I’m the only one in baseball to come up to the Latino kids and say not to use this and I don’t get any credit for that."

So your real beef is that you don’t get any credit for being the only person — the only person — saying that steroids are bad? Gee, Ozzie, I can’t think why you don’t get more credit for that.

And, yeah, I’m part of the problem here: I also consider you a figure of fun.

"Ozzie said it, don’t worry about it. If somebody else said it they would be playing that (stuff) every day on the jumbotron. … I’m the only one that came up with that idea."

You heard it here, food friends: Ozzie Guillen is the only one who came up with the idea of not taking steroids. And his career batting statistics back him up.

Guillen also said players from Latin America are considered too old to sign if they’re past 16 or 17, yet college prospects from the U.S. are often signed at age 22 or 23.

Which is why Jose Contreras was 32 when he made his MLB debut. And it’s why legendary brash youth Orlando Hernandez is totally not the oldest man who’s ever lived. Crazyass.


August 1st, 2010 Posted by | Baseball | one comment

Hey, gang! Julian Assange is in trouble! Let’s put on a show!

So it looks like the government really wants to kick that dude in the ass right now, huh. I hear there’s a giant manhunt in progress and everything. But Julian’s pretty damn bright, it seems, and has posted some "insurance" in the form of a 1.4GB AES-encrypted file. What’s in it? Hell if I know; it’s goddamn 256-bit encryptioned, remember? I’m assuming the idea is that anybody who wants to help Julian not get murdered by the state and has a spare 1.4 jiggawatts can download the thing, and, if anything happens to him, then the key will miraculously appear and we can all snap into it.

The internet’s amazing!


August 1st, 2010 Posted by | Bullshit | no comments