The Dord of Darien

Musings from the Mayor of the Internet

Ozzfest 2010

Boy, Ozzie Guillen’s mouth is working overtime today. Here’s the setup: Mark Buehrle got called for a balk, threw a hissy-fit, and got ejected. Then Ozzie, probably due to some combination of unwritten rules and Human Spaz Hormone, ran out on to the field to mouth off at umpire Joe West, so he got tossed too. Now, here’s what Ozzie said, plus mockery by me. My source is here; I have uncensored it because censorship is for retards and criminals. That said, however, I’d like to go on record as saying that I’d prefer if they’d censor that picture of Ozzie that accompanies the article, because I don’t really need to know that screaming at Joe West gives Ozzie a raging hard-on. Maybe crop at the waist, guys?

Because he’s a fucking asshole, that’s what he is. I just went out to ask him … I wasn’t asking about the balk because you’re not allowed, anytime you go out there to ask about balk or whatever. The thing I went out to ask him about was why he was embarrassing Buehrle.

So you weren’t asking him about the balk, which you’re not allowed to do and which will get you ejected. What you were asking about was why he "embarrassed" Buehrle. Which he did by calling a balk, yes? So, really, you were asking about the balk. Crazyass.

I’m not going out to argue about the balk because the rule, but I went out to ask him why he’s embarrassing Buehrle and he give me one of this [dismissing him with his hands].

Because the only other thing he can do is throw you out of the game. Which he did after you continued making a big damn deal about it. Do you see?

When you’re a professional and you have to respect the managers, the way we’re supposed to respect the umpires, they are supposed to respect back.

Near as I can tell, he gave you way more respect than you gave him. He tried to let you off the hook for your flaunting of the rules, which is probably because he knows your head is made of cactus and birdseed and you’re not really responsible for what your mouth says. What Joe West didn’t do: call you a "fucking asshole" in a press conference.

Obviously they have more power than we have and we have to wear it every time that happens. That’s the reason I got tossed.

You got tossed for arguing with a balk. Which you seem to realise is against the rules. But, yes, the umpires do have more "power" than you, if you want to think about it that way. Maybe go drill the Kaio-ken and you’ll be able to take him next time.

I don’t think he has the right and the power to let people know who is the chief on the field.

I… okay. I mean, you’re wrong, but you go ahead and think that if it’s what floats your boat.

We know he has to control the game, we know he has to control all the shit, but in the meanwhile, I don’t think it was the right thing to do, like we balked him while we were on the field.

This part is where Ozzie abandons any vesitges of coherence he once had and just begins to babble. Like you balked… him? Ozzie, "balk" is not a transitive verb. You can’t balk an umpire. What exactly do you think a balk is? Some variation of chest bump, perhaps?

If you think I’m being too mean, picking on a brainologically handicapped person for throwing in an accidental "him" in the middle of a rant, well, try parsing it without the him. Because then it makes even less sense — yes, Ozzie, it is exactly like you balked while you were on the field. Mark Buehrle did not get ejected for balking in the dugout between innings.

That said, I’m picturing a Joe West demotivator that says "We know he has to control all the shit." Like this one.

Joe has been like that for a lot of years, and he’s always going to be like this. I’m not going to change it, nobody is going to change it, but sometimes he thinks fucking people pay to watch him fucking umpire.

This is the very next thing that comes out of Ozzie’s mouth. Note that he hasn’t identified what it is that Joe West has been like. Unless he’s talking about how Joe West controls the game. Which is his job. As Ozzie has already acknowledged.

I’m pretty sure that sometimes Ozzie Guillen thinks fucking people pay to listen to his fucking mouth. And I’m also pretty sure he’s right.

He’s the type of guy that wants to control the game, it’s good for the game, and to me one of the best umpires in the game, no doubt.

You’re good for the game, Joe. One of the best. But fucking people don’t pay to watch you fucking umpire.

But in the meanwhile, those years are on his shoulders and kind of heavy and showing people who he is.


I deserve respect and the players here deserve respect here, too.

You’re half right.

When you tell the manager to get the fuck off the field, I don’t think that’s a good way to handle situations.

When you tell the press an umpire is a fucking asshole because he ejected you for breaking a rule you’ve pretty much admitted you broke, well, I don’t think that’s a good way to handle situations.

No matter what you say, what you do, how long you talk here, Major League Baseball doesn’t do shit for anything. I’ll be waiting for my fine, get ’em the next day.

Ozzie. Ozzie, Ozzie, Ozzie. You know that if MLB did do shit for anything — and here we’re reading "anything" as "being disrespectful toward somebody else" — you would currently be serving 15-20 years in a baseball prison in Pakistan? Think about that.

I said why are you embarrassing Buehrle? He said, ‘Well Buehrle was doing …’ well, you got two choices, the second choice he has, and he was wrong the first time or the second time, either one was wrong.

I was with you right up until… actually, I was never with you. But you were almost speaking coherently until the ellipsis. Afterward, though… wow. I think that’s an allusion to Buehrle’s two balks, but it’s not really clear if he’s just had an aneurysm or perhaps just some sort of critical mouth failure.

Now I’m picturing an Ozzie Guillen demotivator that says "Critical Mouth Failure." Like this one.

Because you don’t like what Buehrle did the first time you should toss him. You shouldn’t embarrass him. That’s the way he is.

So your main problem is that he called the balk instead of ejecting him? What? Ozzie, umpires don’t throw pitchers out of games for balking. Nor do they throw out batters for striking out, or fielders for dropping popups. And, really, why do you want him to?

It’s not about balk. It’s all different. Buehrle has been doing the same stuff, what? Seven years, eight years? All of a sudden [West] just gets up today and says, ‘Well, I’m going to call a balk on Buehrle no matter what.’

Alternative hypothesis: all of a sudden Buehrle balked today. For fuck’s sake, Ozzie, he has ten career balks not including today’s, so this is not uncharted territory. And Buehrle threw 38 pitches today over 2.1 innings and got called for balking twice, so Joe West didn’t really just call a big string of balks on him every time he moved. How many ways can Ozzie Guillen be wrong? They are legion.

Oh, here’s one more: eleven years. Good guesses, though, Ozzie.

He’s got the right, I don’t know if it was a balk or not, you couldn’t tell.

So you admit that it’s Joe West’s call, and you admit that you don’t actually know whether or not he was right, but you know for a fact that he’s a fucking asshole for doing it? Well played, Ozzie. Well played.

In the meanwhile, I was kind of upset with the reaction. He thinks he’s the shit in the field. People pay to watch fucking players play, not to see umpires and managers. I don’t see any people say, ‘I’m going to see Ozzie Guillen manage or Joe West fucking umpire.’

Love the false humility, Ozz. Really sells the package. Well, that and the swearing.

So what does notorious fucking asshole Joe West — who thinks he’s the shit in the field — have to say?

I don’t know what he’s talking about. Ozzie came out because Buehrle was making gestures on the mound that could have got him kicked out so he was protecting Buehrle, that’s all he was doing. I don’t have a problem with that.

Asshole. Fucking asshole.

And does Mark Buehrle have anything insightful to add, you think?

I think he’s too worried about promoting his CD (West is a country music singer and song writer with his own website) and I think he likes seeing his name in the papers a little bit too much instead of worrying about the rules.

Really classy, Mark. You’re a stand-up guy. Though, holy shit, Joe West does have his own country music web site. That’s pretty nuts.

So thanks for that tidbit, Mark. Go enjoy your $14 million that you’re getting paid to post an ERA+ of 96 and leave the poor umpires alone with their tiny paycheques and boss cowboy hats.

May 26th, 2010 Posted by | Baseball | no comments