The Dord of Darien

Musings from the Mayor of the Internet


What up fools

So I took a week off. Sue me. I’m back in action, though, with some all-new venom and bile!

Mass Effect 2. You played that? I’ve talked about it once or twice. I’m doing it on replay to finish a few things off, and do some stuff I missed the first time through, and I notice I get to keep all my guns. That’s good. But apparently I don’t keep the upgrades. You know what that means? That means I get to fly around the galaxy mining for fucking iron ores all over again.

Here’s what I’d like to see, Bioware. I’d like to see you make a game — just once — that doesn’t display such an active hatred for your audience. We get it, guys. You’re probably all Adbusters nitwits and you’re just doing this to show your moral superiority to all of us consumerist sheeple. Or maybe you’re just idiots who think this sort of thing is fun. Who’s to say? But knock it the fuck off.

My Mass Effect 3 wishlist:

• Sex scenes more like the first Mass Effect, which is to say: present at all.
• Ditch the ammo. Or at least allow weapons to cool (i.e., regain ammunition) gradually over time.
• At least one team member who is a Volus, an Elcor, or a Hanar.
• At most no team members who are Batarians.
• Cheer up a little. I’d like a return to the heroic space opera motif; every damn game is dark and edgy. Being bright and heroic really set the original Mass Effect apart.
• Refine the skill system so that I don’t end up with one point I can’t spend. That’s just frustrating.
• Less dune buggy. More less iron ores.
• Give me a hub world like the original Citadel, and a main quest structure that doesn’t seem as random and disjointed as in Mass Effect 2.
• Both games so far have talked about the Elcor Hamlet. Now it’s time to show it!
• Did I mention more less iron ores? Because, seriously. Fuck iron ores.

February 28th, 2010 Posted by | Bullshit, Games | no comments

Most Overrated Games #5

Tetris (Every fucking platform, every single year)

Do I even need to tell you why Tetris is overrated? No I do not. Every single human being born since June 6, 1984 knows intuitively exactly why Tetris is overrated. Tetris is overrated for exactly three reasons, and, just for the sake of form, I’ll spell them out for you:

1) Tetris keeps getting released and released and released ad infinitum. I mean, hell, Civilization was pretty good, but I don’t recall every game company in the world making a Civilization clone for every platform that’s ever existed.

2) Tetris choked and murdered the puzzle game genre. For about fifteen years, every puzzle game anybody made was just goddamn Tetris with a new coat of paint. The only reason that’s not the case anymore is because Bejeweled came out, and now everybody’s ripping that off instead.

3) Recently — and hilariously — people have begun attempting to enforce intellectual property rights to the name "Tetris," which has the same sort of logic as Bayer suddenly trying to crack down on all these assholes calling their product "aspirin."

I mean, Tetris is a fine game, I suppose, if you’re a big fan of games that just keep going on and on until you lose. Nintendo was very smart to pack it with the original Game Boy, since, hell, it’s a decent enough time-waster while you’re on the train, and I guess a Flash version you can play at work is reasonable, but that’s really about it. And yet, some idiots keep putting it at or near the top of "best game ever" lists, where it clearly does not belong (aside: holy dick is that a ridiculous top ten, IGN). It is an amusing novelty that sold seven billion copies. There’s nothing wrong with that, but come on now. Best? Game? Ever?

I’m trying to be reasonable here, but, seriously. There are exactly seven pieces, and exactly two ways of manipulating them (translate or rotate). So you do the exact same two things over and over again on the exact same seven pieces until — and I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this yet — you inevitably lose. There’s no goal at all, there’s no positive way to end the game, and there aren’t even any goddamn goombas or anything to stomp on. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that any serious candidate for best game ever has some type of stomp-on-able mushroom men.

February 28th, 2010 Posted by | Most Overrated Games Ever | one comment