The Dord of Darien

Musings from the Mayor of the Internet

Nobody knows less about baseball than Ozzie Guillen

Did you see this? Insane.

Ozzie Guillen already has a promise for the 2010 season, his seventh as manager of the Chicago White Sox: Fans can expect to see unconventional baseball early on from his revamped team.

Ozzie says this every year. And, hey, I’ll come right out and admit it: unconventional baseball is pretty much his cause célèbre. Anybody remember the blow-up doll incident? How about when Ozzie put the team through bunting camp? Yeah.

"We’re going to find out and see if I can manage here or not. Early you might see stupid things on the field and I will be second guessed. But I will take my chances," Guillen said.

Can Ozzie manage in Chicago? Clearly. I mean, he’s been doing it for six years now. But, frankly, no competent general manager would trust Ozzie to be the bat boy. Fortunately, the White Sox don’t have a competent general manager.

I love how Ozzie makes fun of himself for me. He comes right out and admits that we’re going to see stupid things on the field, and that everybody’s going to tell him what a mess it is.

"We are going to play aggressive and that will start in spring training. We are going to do some crazy stuff. … I’m going to try to put everything in motion. Get used to it."

That’s pretty boilerplate Ozzie bullshit. The only reason it matters is because it’s the lead-in to this:

"Sometimes it’s going to work, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes we are going to run with no outs—triple play. I will be criticized."

Did you see that? Did you see that right there where Ozzie Guillen said straight-up that the White Sox are going to be running into triple plays on purpose? What is it going to take for this man to lose his job? Seriously.

"I’d rather have Rios steal 50 bases than hit 50 home runs. I want production."

So. You’d rather have fifty bases than fifty runs? Ozzie, I’m curious; what exactly do you think the point of stealing bases is? It’s for, like, scoring runs, right? Why would you rather have one base than one — or possibly more — runs? And more to the point, why aren’t you fired? You should be fired. And probably incarcerated.

"Last year we were making errors in the wrong place, we were throwing the ball to the wrong base, a lot of mistakes on the bases and a lot of hits where we don’t score."

Ozzie Guillen’s secret baseball plans for 2010: make errors in the right place. And make fewer mistakes on the bases by, I guess, running into triple plays. And reduce the number of hits they don’t score on by hitting fewer home runs. That all makes Grade A sense, Ozzie.

"It’s taken a long time for us to get to the point where 1 through 5 we feel we can match up on any given day with anyone in the league," [GM Kenny] Williams said.

Well, Kenny, I hate to break it to you, but you can’t. I mean, not at all. You can match up 1 through 2 with pretty much anyone in the league (but only because Arizona, San Fransisco, Fat Louis, and the other Chicago club all play in a different league). But your 3-4-5? They are not so good.

Isn’t this awesome? The White Sox are like the Mets of the American League: they never stop being hilarious. Does anybody remember 2005? When the White Sox got career years from like nine pitchers at the exact same time, hit two hundred home runs, and won the World Series? And then everybody decided it was all because Ozzie made Scott Podsednik bunt a lot? All I’m saying is that the 2010 White Sox are going to hit four home runs and finish 35-127.

January 24th, 2010 Posted by | Baseball | no comments

Let’s see, what would be the worst verb to use here? Oh, I know!

It turns out that A-Rod is such a chokemaster deluxe he can even choke at awards ceremonies.

January 24th, 2010 Posted by | Baseball | no comments