The Dord of Darien

Musings from the Mayor of the Internet

Go away, Jose

Hey, gang! Guess who’s back! That’s right: it’s everybody’s favourite washed-up asshole fucktard, Jose Canseco! Today he’s saying bad nonsense about Mark McGwire and also bad nonsense about reality. Let’s take a look!

"I’ve defended Mark, I know a lot of good things about him," Canseco told ESPN 1000 radio in Chicago on Tuesday. "I can’t believe he just called me a a liar. Umm, there’s something very strange going on here."

In Jose Canseco’s head — which, during his playing career, was used as a portable locker where he stored an extra glove — writing a book in which one declares that Mark McGwire took a whole bunch of steroids, talks about personally having like big ha-ha steroid fun parties with Mark McGwire, and infers if not states directly that steroids are the only reason Mark McGwire was ever any good at baseball counts as "defending" Mark McGwire, and apparently establishes some special bond of friendliness. I can believe, Jose, that Mark McGwire just called you a liar. If I had some sleazy asshole dragging me through the mud to make a buck, I’d probably call him worse things than that.

But wait! Jose gets even stupider:

"I even polygraphed that I injected him, and I passed it completely. So I want to challenge him on national TV to a polygraph examination. I want to see him call me a liar under a polygraph examination."

First off: go away, Jose. Mark McGwire is not going to present you with yet another opportunity to thrust yourself limply back into the public consciousness. Seriously, you’re like an old weird uncle who just won’t fucking leave, and the family reunion ended hours ago.

Secondly, and more entertainingly, is the well-known and -documented absolute scientific fact that polygraphs are complete bullshit. They don’t detect lies at a rate meaningfully better than just like randomly guessing, and skilled liars can’t be detected by them at all. The one thing I’m given to understand that polygraphs can detect quite accurately is orgasms; is that the issue here, Jose? Is Mark McGwire accusing you of faking orgasms? Just a small hint for you: since you’re a not-woman, there’s a much simpler test available.

"There are some things here that are so ridiculous, and so disrespectful for the public and the media to believe."

Now we finally agree on something! There sure are, Jose. There sure are.

"I’ve proved it. I’m 100 percent accurate," he told the radio station. "I never exaggerate, I told it the way it actually happened. I’m the only one who told it the way it actually happened."

I’m pretty sure that claiming the unreliable, pseudoscientific polygraph test as sufficient proof to claim you’re "100% accurate" is, at the very least, an exaggeration. Really, Jose. Just go away. We’re done with your witch hunt extortion bullshit.

I’ve had a really horrible McGwire article in my making-fun-of queue for a few days; it’s just hanging out, waiting for me to build up enough energy so I can furrow the shit out of my brow and be very angry with it. Probably tomorrow. For now, you get this little apéritif to hold you over.

Yeah, I said it. Apéritif. And I bothered with the accent, because I have more respect for the word apéritif than I do for Jose Canseco.


January 13th, 2010 Posted by | Baseball | no comments

Who’s up for some philosophy of history?

Just me? That’s what I thought. I’ve already read it, but I’m going to link it anyhow. This piece, by Czech ambassador Michael Zantovsky, provides an interesting take on neo-Hegelian triumphalist hoo-hah from the perspective of somebody who spent much of his life behind the Iron Curtain. It’s also a nice bitch-slap upside the face of Francis Fukuyama, which is always welcome. And it’s proof that the Czech Republic makes good non-sword products too!


January 13th, 2010 Posted by | Bullshit | no comments