The Dord of Darien

Musings from the Mayor of the Internet

Herbal remedies

Everybody knows herbal remedies are bunk, right? No, everybody fucking does not. Despite overpowering evidence that herbal remedies are a complete fucking scam, very frequently not even containing what they’re claimed to contain (and often containing many added things), and despite the fairly obvious lack of logic in the idea that just because people did something back in the stone age means it makes any fucking sense to keep doing it, and despite the obvious, provable falseness of the claim that herbal remedies are "safe" (after all, it’s not like anybody ever died from taking them, right?), and despite the clear idiocy of the conceit that some wack-job herbal voodoo witchdoctor could concoct a safer and more effective remedy than, like, people who know what the fuck they’re doing and have access to tools and methods that might actually work, and who, by the way, measure their ingredients, and despite the glaring stupidity of the fantasy that herbal remedies are part of some sort of anti-big-business movement, when the supplement industry is, in fact, another giant, corporatist group just like the pharmaceutical companies they can’t shut up about, people still think herbal remedies are good for something. I mean, something other than redistributing wealth from uncritical hippies to venal businessmen.

But that’s not what I came to tell you about. I came to talk about baseball.

The Hall of Fame voting results were announced today. Hawk Dawson got in, which was probably an aftereffect of Jim Rice getting in last year. Bert Blyleven missed by five votes (and so will probably get in next year), and Robbie Alomar just barely missed (and will definitely get in next year). Which is fine. But then there’s this:

Mark McGwire, 128 (23.7%)

Let’s not mince words. Mark McGwire is a Hall-of-Famer. The only reason for this nonsensically low vote total is steroids. We already know what I think about steroids in baseball. But you know what I really don’t get? You know the standard steroid defense there? The "evil trainer" defense, where the innocent, unknowing player was given those terrible steroids and told they were flaxseed oil? Here’s my question: why is that even a defense? You’re claiming you took a performance-enhancing drug by mistake because you were misled into believing it was another, different performance-enhancing drug? And people will care about this distinction because that one was "natural?" Fuck.

And while I’m on the subject, why is it that players using amphetamines is a big taboo subject these days, but we don’t care about players abusing caffeine for the same purpose? Is it because caffeine is legal? I mean, hey guys, lots of baseball players have broken the law. I hear some of them even took illegal drugs that interfered with their ability to do their jobs! Dave Parker and Darryl Strawberry were cocaine addicts, and do you think they called Tim Raines "rock" because he was in a KISS tribute band? No they did not. Dock Ellis used a whole shitload of illegal drugs, and even pitched a no-no once while on acid.

And what about all those ballplayers who abused legal drugs? That doesn’t violate the character clause at all? I mean, Mickey Mantle destroyed himself with booze, and Wade Boggs tried pretty hard, and they’re both in the Hall of Fame. Also there was a Yankees minor leaguer of little repute called George Herman Candybar who was known to be a drunkard. Should we kick them out of the Hall for their drug using?

Or is it just because it’s a violation of an MLB rule? Well, I mean, not to put too fine a point on it, but Lenny Dykstra and John Kruk (who is fucking not a Hall of Famer, so shut up about that, Carl) used to smoke in the dugout all the time. That’s against the rules. Michael Barrett cold-cocked A.J. Pierzynski — for which I do not blame him — and got a ten-game suspension, which was equal to the punishment for a first positive steroid test prior to 2005. And what about the dreaded spitball? Do we throw all of those players out of the Hall of Fame, too? Just Gaylord Perry? What?

Seriously. Herbs are for idiots. Which means the crazy moralists at the BBWAA are probably way into them.

Which, in turn, probably explains why you can beg off of a steroid rap by claiming it was an "all-natural" performance-enhancing drug.


January 6th, 2010 Posted by | Baseball, Bullshit | no comments