What if the playoffs were today? (2008 ch. 1)
So just for kicks, let’s pretend today was the last regular-season game day of the year, and the LDS begins tomorrow. What would happen? Who would win and who would lose, and what oddness would we see in the postseason?
ALDS: Boston Red Sox vs. Chicago White Sox
Details: LAWL GUYS A PAIR OF SOX! The Red Sox are really good at Fenway, and with the best record in the AL, they have the home field advantage. They’re out both Manny and Papi right now, but, on the other hand, the White Sox are one of those teams that seem to be missing all of their star players every game. Since the White Sox don’t seem to be winning the AL Central so much as losing it less quickly than all the other teams, I don’t see much of a fight here.
Winner: BOS in three
ALDS: Los Angeles Angels vs. Tampa Bay Rays
Details: Tampa Bay seems dead-set on proving that baseball doesn’t need any goddamn salary caps after all, and that the draft system is working just fine. It’s almost like they’ve taken advantage of some hundred years (or so) of last-place finishes and built a hell of a team out of all those first picks. The Angels are doing well, but they’re doing it in a fairly soft division; the 2008 Mariners are possibly the worst team of all time, even including class A teams and probably also Little League. The Rays are holding baseball’s third-best record even though they’re in the game’s hardest division and have probably the most ferocious interleague schedule of any team.
Winner: TB in four
NLDS: Chicago Cubs vs. Philadelphia Phillies
Details: As of this writing, the Cubs are the best team in baseball. The Phillies had a rough start, but have been doing very well over the last month or so. If the playoffs started right now, the Cubs would be out their monstrously-expensive leadoff man (Soriano) and the World’s Most Expensive Pitcher (Zambrano), whereas the Phillies are more-or-less at full strength. That should make for a pretty interesting series. Of course, the Cubs would own fase if they’d just call Felix Pie back up.
Winner: CHN in five
NLDS: Arizona Diamondbacks vs. St. Louis Cardinals
Details: The Burds are missing Albert Pujols, but the Diamondbacks are missing anybody who can play baseball. Okay, Dan Haren and Brandon Webb are pretty good, but I’m pretty sure they need at least seven more players or they have to forfeit. I think it’s honestly sort of unfair to let the Diamondbacks into the postseason just because everybody else in the NL West is even worse.
Winner: STL in three
ALCS: Boston Red Sox vs. Tampa Bay Rays
Details: This would be an interesting series. Both teams are utterly dominant at home, and I think that would pretty much determine the winner here.
Winner: BOS in seven
NLCS: Chicago Cubs vs. St. Louis Cardinals
Details: Pujols for Soriano is a fair trade, so neither team is at a huge advantage there. No team’s been better at home this season than the Cubs, and they have home field advantage in this series, so I’m going to cop out and pick the Cubs because, quite frankly, I’m not 100% sure the Cardinals have anything but smoke and mirrors anyhow.
Winner: CHN in five
World Series: Chicago Cubs vs. Boston Red Sox
Details: Wasn’t this supposed to happen five years ago? Hey, better late than never. Both teams are missing two star players, but the Red Sox have done a hell of a job of filling in for theirs. The Cubs have a giant hispanic hole that can’t be filled easily — Carlos Zambrano. Down their ace, I think the Cubs will turn up soft in the end, though I’d say they’re likely to win a few on the way down.
Winner: BOS in six
Potential Spoilers
New York Yankees: It’s never the right time to rule out the Yankees. Baseball’s highest payroll has a habit of biting you in the ass, and, in fact, they’ve won seven in a row as of this writing. They have a lot of holes, and seven-in-a-row has only been enough to move them up to 3.5 games behind Tampa Bay, but they’re too potent to ignore, especially given their propensity for exactly this type of mid-season streaking.
Detroit Tigers: The Tigers have a lot of potential they’re not living up to. They’re on the upswing right now, though, and all they need to get seriously hot is for Pudge to find his swing. Of course, as a 36-year-old catcher, Pudge’s swing might be out to pasture for good.
Florida Marlins: You never know with the fucking Fish. They might force their way into the playoffs just to stick it to Tampa Bay.
Milwaukee Brewers: You can be a millionaire… and never pay taxes! You can be a millionaire… and never pay taxes! You say, "Steve, how can I be a millionaire and never pay taxes?" First… get a million dollars. Now… you say, "Steve, what do I say to the tax man when he comes to my door and says, ‘You have never paid taxes’?" Two simple words. Two simple words in the English language: "I forgot!"
Cleveland Indians: You know how they tell you pitching wins championships? I think the Indians took it a bit too seriously. You do in fact need some batters in order to win.
Los Angeles Dodgers: At the moment, they’re losing a bit less rapidly than the Diamondbacks. If that trend continues, it could be the Dodgers getting wiped out in the first round instead of the D-backs.
