Old Skool
I love game download services. Have I ever mentioned that? Whether it’s WiiWare or Steam or whatever. Nothing suits me better than deciding I want to play a new game and then just pressing a button and having it. That’s way better than having to go to the damn store or waiting until it shows up in the mail.
The terrible segue in here, of course, leads to me talking about the new shit I just bought from WiiWare. Like, for instance, Adventure Island: The Beginning. I couldn’t pass that up for eight bucks, could I? Now, don’t ask me what the hell the title means — I have no idea. Is it like the first part of some episodic Adventure Island? Couldn’t be — not enough ruined subway tunnel levels. Maybe it’s "the beginning" as in first in the Adventure Island storyline, but hell if I know; I mean, does Adventure Island have a story? Princess What’s-her-name gets kidnapped by a monster, and Master Higgins has to run really fast to the right and eat a lot of fruit and try to avoid picking up the goddamn skateboard or he’ll die. That’s about it. And I don’t just mean that’s the storyline in this game; I mean that’s the storyline in every Adventure Island game. There’s no dialogue, no goddamn cutscenes, nothing. Just running, jumping, fruit, and that sort of thing. If you’re in to that, you’ll probably like this game; it’s a pretty solid side-scrolling platformer, with some hilariously difficult jumps and dead-easy bosses. It’s short, but it’s also eight bucks. It has like some minigames you can play from the menu, but they all suck. Really, the only meaningful complaint I have with the game is that the last boss has an attack that can kill you instantly but isn’t hit-boxed quite correctly, so until you get used to having to dodge it with a margin, you’ll take a lot of "that didn’t hit me!" deaths.
There is also Bubble Bobble Plus. Holy shit yes. I was completely psyched when I saw that on the list. Then I was completely confused, since it identifies itself as being by Square Enix, but Bubble Bobble is a Taito game. I guess Square Enix was just the North American publisher, though, since the second credit given is Taito. You might think that would make me feel better, but, actually, it makes me feel like a tremendous queer for knowing off the top of my head the company that developed Bubble Bobble.
How lame I am notwithstanding, it’s dead good. The original Bubble Bobble is present, with updated graphics and sound and a few new features, and then on top of that it has a new "Arrange Mode" (no, I don’t know why it’s called that either) that has all-new levels and a four-player mode. I’m in to it, but I always loved Bubble Bobble; I was thinking, though, that I was terrible at Bubble Bobble when I was ten, and I’d probably be way better at thirty. This did not occur. I am still completely terrible at Bubble Bobble. Fucker’s a hundred levels long, and I can just barely muscle my way through, like, level twelve. On easy. It’s a great game, though, and for six bucks everybody should get it. As an added incentive for you to go buy Bubble Bobble Plus, I had noted perfectlydarien.com fan Amy Winehouse record an audio review. Enjoy.
And how the hell did I not notice when they added River City Ransom to the Virtual Console? I found out about that from some dude’s web site and went and bought it immediately, because it’s the best game ever made. Even in 2009 it still kicks ass, and now you don’t even have to write down those bullshit passwords because the Wii will just autosave your progress. That’s a win and a half right there.
