The Dord of Darien

Musings from the Mayor of the Internet

The truth is out there

So I see on ye olde Wikipediae that one of the reasons the Patterson-Gimlin Film absolutely positively shows a real live Bigfoot and don’t you forget it is because of the ratio between the breadth of the creature’s shoulders and its height. Somehow — and I’m sure I’ve missed a step in here — they’ve been able to determine that Sasquatch’s shoulders are 28.2″ across after adjusting for his hair, and that he’s 78″ tall. Yeah, they’re claiming that level of precision in their analysis of this footage, which reminds me: I’ve uncovered incontrovertible proof that Rick Moranis and a dog are ridiculously fucking huge, since I guess this passes for science these days.

Anyhow, the point is that Bigfoot’s shoulder breadth is 35.1% of his full standing height, which it is utterly impossible to believe any human could attain. Okay, then. That’s proof of Bigfoot, I guess.

Here’s a fun fact: my shoulders are 24″ across (I checked). I am 65″ tall. That gives me a shoulder-to-height ratio of 36.9%. Ergo, here’s an important update to your Bigfoot theory, kids: not only is Bigfoot real and proven, I personally happen to be Bigfoot. Apparently. Actually, I think this means I’m 1.8% more Bigfoot-y than your average Bigfoot, so really I’m like some type of Bigfoot superhero, like an indestructible flaming Bigfoot with chains.

September 8th, 2010 Posted by | Bullshit | no comments

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