Fire game company PR
Shattered Horizon is the highly anticipated first game from Futuremark Games Studio that immerses you in the cold reality of combat in space like no other game before.
So sayeth the blurb in the Steam listing. A few questions:
1) Is it possible for the first game from a studio best known for making benchmarking software to be that highly anticipated? I, for one, didn’t even know Futuremark was making a game; I wasn’t anticipating this at all, to say nothing of highly.
2) The cold reality of combat in space? I mean, the reality of it? Like this is the shit the Army has to deal with every single day while they’re out there in the frozen nothingness of outer space, protecting our freedoms and our important nothing-gathering equipment from the goddamn Ruskies who are trying to hoard the nothing for themselves? This isn’t just a game — this is real, asshole. This is happening right now, and you better sit your ass in front of the simulator and learn to cope with it because sooner or later it’s going to be you out there guarding the NASA quantum nothingator array from the reds and the slants, and you’re going to want more than just the cold reality of your completely real laser rifle and rocket pack and Poets of the Fall soundtrack to help you make it through the assault. You’re going to want the kind of valuable life experience you can only get from a realistic reality simulator from the people who brought you that benchmarking thing Tom’s won’t shut up about. So don’t come crying to me when you don’t know how to "engage enemies in furious firefights, or ambush them from unexpected angles" or how to "experience intense zero gravity combat and complete freedom of movement" or especially how to "join your goddamn friends in action-packed 32 player battles fighting to control hollowed-out goddamn asteroids, huge fragments of Moon rock and the ruined remains of the goddamn International Space Station," all of which the press kit assures this man’s army that it will teach you how to do. Except for the goddamns, which I added to make it sound more like something Sgt. Hulka would scream at you while he’s punching you in the gut in the men’s room.
3) Nice hedge on "like no other game before." I see you’re covering yourselves in case a later game comes out that’s even more real!
4) The game doesn’t support Windows XP. So it’s highly anticipated by the seven people in the whole world who play games on Vista? And the exactly nobody who’s trying to game on Windows 7 before they get the kinks out of it?
