The Dord of Darien

Musings from the Mayor of the Internet

Statement of purpose (in re: John Teti)

I’d like to clarify a few things as regards my previous post, wherein I rip some fool from the A.V. Club three new assholes. Specifically, I’d like to point out that I’m not bitching that he didn’t like New Super Mario Bros. Wii. I have no beef with that. There are plenty of things not to like about the game. My problem is that he didn’t talk about those things, instead choosing to ramble aimlessly about the feeling he gets from the game via horrible, strained detention metaphors. I went through the article again, and here is a list of every substantive complaint that John Teti makes in his article ("substantive" meaning that they are actually concrete statements about the game, as opposed to like touchy-feely comments about vibe or some shit). Note that I’m not just listing complaints I agree with; this is seriously every negative point about the game that he mentions in his review:

1) Not enough Yoshi.
2) Ice Flower is "inferior" (borderline, since he never says why, but we’ll allow it).
3) Block-picking-up control is "obtuse and fidgety."
4) Multiplayer co-op is too crowded.
5) Single-player is too empty.

That’s seriously everything he says. It’s right here, so you don’t have to take my word for it. Now, let’s ignore for a moment the fact that points 4 and 5 on that list are very close to contradicting each other (if the addition of one actor to the levels makes them "practically impossible" due to crowding, are they really that empty?) and focus our minds on the fact that, in 464 words of negative review, John Teti mentions only those five things about the game. Here are some other things John Teti mentions:

1) Detention
2) Shigeru Miyamoto created the game (he did not)
3) Happy Days
4) Mustiness
5) Muddledness
6) Vibe
7) Myst
8) Lack of "essentiality."

Here are some things John Teti did not mention in his review:

1) Gameplay
2) Graphics
3) Sound
4) Play control (other than the block-picking-upping)
5) The levels
6) The monsters
7) The new Mario abilities (other than the ice flower)
8) The multiplayer modes other than co-op campaign
9) The completely brilliant boss encounters

This is why I believe John Teti should be fired. He is misleading his readers through omission. Instead of providing them with information that could assist them in making their purchasing decision, He just babbles on and on about nothing at all. He doesn’t like the game, but he doesn’t see any reason to tell us why. As such, he has failed as a game reviewer.


January 4th, 2010 Posted by | Games | no comments