The Dord of Darien

Musings from the Mayor of the Internet

And now: Mets!

I guess Yahoo Sports is now printing articles by any damn fool, via its new "contributor network" mechanic. I guess how it works is like this: you write something dumb, Yahoo posts it, I make fun of it, and everybody wins. Except you, I guess.

Mets must become comically bad in order to win

They have that covered. So you’re predicting 110 wins for the Mets, then?

he 2010 New York Mets broke me in a way like never before.

Nice. Wonderful anal sex connotations in your very first line. This is going well.

It took me no greater than two weeks to realize that particular group of players and coaches had zero chance of finishing over .500.

You might be very slow on the uptake, Ralph. Everybody else knew that way way long ago, around when your general manager was signing lots and lots of backup catchers and totally forgot that baseball has a thing called "pitching." I guess Minaya’s thought process was something like "we got Wright, Beltran, Reyes… fuck, what was I supposed to do with all this money? Somebody I was supposed to hire… oh, look, Fernando Tatis is available!"

Some fans were fooled by the little spurts of talent the Mets showed during late April and early June. Not this guy.

Right on, brother!

While other Mets fans set themselves up for the predictable yet painful fall to the bottom of the division, I became immersed in Major League Soccer, NFL training camps and summer TV shows like Wipeout.

I… um. You might want to avoid admitting that you "became immersed in Major League Soccer." Because, seriously, soccer is really, really gay. Worse than prime-time game shows like Wipeout, even. Almost as bad as watching the Mets.

It’s not that I hated the Amazins. I just stopped caring. Why bother?

Well, they were pretty funny. Does that count?

Owners Jeff and Fred Wilpon have since brought in a new "Harvard/magna cum laude" front office that is already repeating mistakes from the past. Giving Jose Reyes $11 million … for 2011? Seriously? I wouldn’t make that move in MLB 2k11.

Yeah, fuck those Harvard guys. We all know what state that shit’s in! Clearly they don’t know anything about baseball. Somebody get Steve Phillips back in here — that motherfucker sure didn’t go to Harvard!

Also, why is it so shocking that the Mets would be paying their players for 2011? You thought they’d be hard at work revising the 2010 roster instead? Like maybe they can get MLB to call a do-over?

Jose Reyes, 2010: 603 PA, .282 / .339 / .434, 103 OPS+, .329 wOBA, 2.8 WAR.

That ain’t bad for a shortstop. Bill James predicts him to get 574 PA with a .345 wOBA in 2011 — that should be good for around 3 WAR (depending on his defense), which is worth more than $11M. The Mets have given out lots of bad contracts. This is not one of them.

The Reyes contract extension got my friend and I, both lifelong Mets fans, talking about the team’s future, namely it’s lack of one.

Is it unfair to pick on a dude’s writing if he’s like some J. Random Contributor scrub and not actually a paid columnist? Because all I have to say about that clip is: [sic] [sic] [sic] [sic] [sic] the Mets have been bad for two years and you’re declaring them doomed forever?

Individuals "in the know" assure me that this franchise’s minor-league system is grossly overrated.

Care to name any of these individuals? No, you’re good? Well, I’ll counter with some people in the know who say the Mets have a pretty damn good farm system, and that it’s likely to get even better. And I’ll even document that shit. You see how things work, in the world of real sports journalism?

Damn. You know your article’s in trouble when you’re a worse journalist than me.

It’s also painfully clear that this particular group of Mets cannot compete with the Philadelphia Phillies and Altanta Braves over 162 games.

This particular group of Mets is, like, two or three pieces away from contention, now that Beltran’s back from his knee whatever. If we assume that the Mets return the entire 2010 roster — I know, but just for the sake of argument — they’ll need a 2B and another starter. That’s pretty much it. None of their free agents have signed yet, so here’s what we’re working with as a core for theoretical 2011:

C: Josh Thole
1B: Ike Davis
2B: Luis Castillo
3B: David Wright
SS: Jose Reyes
LF: Jason Bay
CF: Angel Pagan
RF: Carlos Beltran

SP: Johan Santana
SP: R.A. Dickey
SP: Mike Pelfrey
SP: Jonathon Niese
SP: ???

RP: Hisanori Takahashi
RP: Pedro Feliciano
RP: Elmer Dessens
RP: Manny Acosta

That’s a pretty good start. They have Wilmer Flores coming up through their system, and he’s not projected to stick at SS (his current position); perhaps they can bring him up to replace Castillo at 2B, if they think he’s ready. Though it would be hard to be less ready than Luis Castillo. They don’t have any pitchers in the farm who are Major League-ready, so they’ll have to go fishing; assuming they don’t land a major player like Cliff Lee, there are plenty of serviceable fifth-starter types available this year. Or maybe they take a chance on Brandon Webb, though he’s been looking really cooked lately.

Anyhow, the point is: the Mets aren’t very far from contention if their good players are actually healthy and can actually play. It’s injuries, man. That’s what’s killed them the last two years.

Now look what you’ve done. Your stupidity has made me defend the Mets. I feel sick.

There’s only one reasonable thing to do.

Fortunately for all of us, you have no idea what it is.

Bring back the 1993 New York Mets.

Suit up, Tim Bogar! The team needs you!

A team less than a decade removed from being “a dynasty,” the ’93 Mets won only 59 games and finished the year as the worst team in baseball. Shea Stadium was practically empty by August as the team playing in it was atrocious.

Amazing. Amazing plan. Let’s spend eleven shitloads of money on a team that will win 59 games and not sell any tickets at all. That’s a sure-fire path to success!

They were comically bad, though, like "take a shot each time Frank Tanana gives up a home run or Bobby Bonila swings at one in the dirt" bad.

Bobby Bonilla (which is how you spell that, by the way), 1993: 582 PA, .265 / .352 / .522, 132 OPS+, 3.4 WAR

I dunno, man. That’s pretty good. Dude hit 34 homers. Tanana was bad, sure, though it’s a nice cherry-pick; the 1993 Mets had Dwight Gooden, Bret Saberhagen, and Sid Fernandez all pitching really well. Tanana was the only lousy starter on the team. Hitting was the 1993 Mets’ problem, and… you named the one awesome hitter on the team in your analysis.

Good work.

There was actual entertainment value as you wondered how the team could possibly get worse.

That is always the case with the Mets, as I have mentioned on this blog once or twice throughout the years.

The reason I lost interest in the 2009 Mets was because I already knew how that story ended. Roller coaster Mets hang around for a bit, spend some time at the top of the division, fall slightly yet continue to hang around before finally succumbing to fatigue/injuries/players beating up old men en route to finishing with 70-80 wins.

The 2009 Mets? What year do you think this is, Charles? This might explain some things. Like why you thought it was so weird that the Mets would be paying their players for the 2011 season.

I assure you that a new manager will not equal a new adventure for this roster.

No, the manager is pretty meaningless. But Carlos Beltran, Jason Bay, Jose Reyes, Johan Santana, and K-Punch all being healthy and able to play baseball might help a little. Also will help: no more Jeff Francoeur.

Completely blowing up the Mets before the 2011 season is the only right move that can be made both for the franchise and its devoted fans.

Good. Good writin’. Good thinkin’, too.

Once Mets fans realize that the team’s current core has never won a league championship and will never do so, they’ll accept the fact that everybody not part of the longterm future must go.

The Mets should have won the league in 2006, but hit some rotten luck in the playoffs, which happens. They were very very close to making the playoffs in 2007 and 2008. Then they signed Jeff Francoeur and all their other players got injured in protest.

But, hey, give it up, Beltran and Reyes and Wright and Santana and Bay and Punch: some random dude says you’ll never win. You bunch of fucking cancerous chokers.

Everybody. David Wright. Jose Reyes. Carlos Beltran. Johan Santana. R.A. Dickey (my favorite Met of the past five years). Ollie Perez. K-Rod. All of them.

So. Everybody who is "not part of the longterm [sic] future" in your estimation is… all of them.

David Wright: makes $14M in 2011 and $15M in 2012. That prices him away from a lot of teams, which is a shame, since he’s the best 3B in baseball not called Evan Longoria, and will be worth way way more than he’s getting paid, even at those prices.

Jose Reyes: makes $11M in 2011. This dude honestly says it’s a good idea to cut a valuable player who comes off the books in one year anyway in favour of… well, you’ll see in a minute what he thinks the Mets should do instead.

Carlos Beltran: makes $18.5M in 2011. Bill James expects him to make 505 PA at .373 wOBA, which will probably be worth in the neighborhood of 4 WAR. And then, of course, he’s a free agent. But don’t take the compensation picks, Mets — cut this shit now for no benefit!

Johan Santana: makes $22.5M in 2011, $24M in 2012, and $25.5M in 2013. Is great — like super, super, crazy great — but is probably untradeable due to the fact that $75M is a shitload of money.

R.A. Dickey: is third-year arb eligible and will probably make about a million dollars in 2011. The Mets should cut him for what reason?

Oliver Perez: makes $12M in 2011. Is bad. Nobody will take him unless the Mets eat his entire salary.

K-Rod: makes $11.5M in 2011. Is probably untradeable due to punching a dude in the head. Will be a Type A free agent after the season anyhow, so there’s no benefit to cutting him now and forfeiting the comp picks.

Imagine the influx of young talent infused into the Mets’ farm system.

It won’t be much, since most of those players will be one-year rentals. Like, maybe a couple of C prospects or a solid B. Santana would bring more than that, but he’s way too expensive to trade.

Some of those youngsters may even be able to join the big league club immediately.

Wow, really? The Mets could trade all their good players and get back a handful of prospects who may or may not be any good at baseball?? Sign me up!

And what of those players who make up the "deepest farm system in the NL East?" Bring them all up in April, every one of them who is remotely ready to play in the majors.

That’s what I call player development right there! Bring all them A-ball and rookie league assholes straight up into the Majors and have them get in the box against Roy Halladay. Think how much they’ll learn!

The Mets will never – and let me repeat this, never be the Yankees or Red Sox and "buy" a championship. Even when they try to do so, they goof it up.

Lots of idiots talk about the Yankees and Red Sox buying championships. It’s almost as though they’ve ever done that. But a lot of the players those teams use are developed in-house, because the organisations are well-run. I think the only team you could really say "bought" its championship would be the 1997 Florida Marlins, who were a team of free agents on one-year deals.

Building from the ground up is the only realistic option for this team; a Cleveland Indians approach to baseball, if you will, except the Mets will actually keep a championship-caliber roster together for longer than two seasons.

"Just like the Indians, if you will, except that not like the Indians at all."

This brand of team building works. Ask the Florida Marlins.

Brilliant. Played right into my joke, which I swear I wrote before I read this. Of all the players on the 1997 Marlins worth more than 1 WAR, six were signed as free agents, three were traded for, and two came up through the farm system (and one was from the expansion draft). So that’s two players developed through a "brand that works" and nine players developed through a brand that, I would assume, does not at all work.

But maybe he meant the 2003 Marlins. Let’s check. I see three free agents, ten trades, and one solitary good-working-brand farm system product.

Great example, asshole.

The only difference is the Mets wouldn’t have to worry about a "Market Correction" killing the team. They’d be contenders for a decade at least.

The only difference is voodoo and magic.

There’s another plus to turning the Mets into the laughingstock of Major League Baseball.

Namely: laughing at the Mets.

For the first time in two years the Mets would actually be a team fans such as myself and my friends could rally behind. Watching a mediocre, middle-of-the-road baseball team for 6-plus months is mind-numbingly dull.

Either you’re just wrong, or you and your friends are idiots. Watching a terrible team for 6-plus months ain’t great either.

Frustrated fans, such as myself, could put their arms around a last-place team that’s actually going somewhere, one that has a future in sight.

What, you mean, like, you’d offer them hugs as a consolation while they’re winning 14 games?

Two 60-win seasons wouldn’t get me hanging my Mets flag outside my home, but they would get me out to the atrocity that stands next to my former summer home, especially once tickets are drastically lowered.

Unwarranted assumptions in this paragraph:

• A team composed entirely of A-ball players would win 60 games in the 2011 and 2012 National League, a feat the 2010 Pirates were unable to perform with some actual Major Leaguers on their roster.

• Ticket prices would be lowered at all — much less "drastically."

• More people would pay $7 to see a hopeless team than will pay $12 to see a mediocre team with actual recognisible stars on it.

• Anybody cares that you liked Shea better than Citi.

This time, I’d actually be old enough to partake in the previously mentioned drinking escapades during games. How else do you make it through a Mets game?

Awful writing. Check-minus. Also, you failed to mention those drinking escapades previously. Check-minus-minus.

And, wait, you’re only just old enough to drink, but you have the damn gall to lecture me about the 1993 Mets and how awesome they were? You were fucking three years old, asshole.

Obviously, nothing resembling such a plan is going to take place.

Correct. Because the Wilpons — as soul-wrenchingly awful and stupid as they are — are less awful and stupid than you.

The Wilpons would rather have a ballpark be two-thirds full for three years than suffer through two seasons of absurdly low turnout while the team evolves into one that could dominate the NL East for years.

Yeah, see, their plan is to evolve the team into a Dominatron 3000 without going bankrupt first. Crazy, I know!

So get ready for another meaningless winter, Mets fans. One that’s full of "meh" free-agent signings and lots of talk about "potential" from sports talk radio hosts. Another 79-win season awaits us.

And if you see this dude at the ballpark, pants him for me. Though, of course, you won’t, since he’ll be too busy sitting in his living room watching Major League Soccer.

Prove me wrong, Mets. I beg of you.

Now I actually kind of want the Mets to do well, just so I can stick it to this assnose.

Nah, I’m lyin’. I want the Mets to tank so badly Queens slides into the ocean.

Further research: Hmm, here’s this same asshole writing about how soccer is better than baseball anyhow. As if I needed any more proof that he’s a bad person who doesn’t know anything about anything.

November 19th, 2010 Posted by | Baseball | one comment

This week on “It’s the Mets”

What hilarious misadventures do you suppose everybody’s favourite comedy baseball troupe has gotten up to this week?

I see o’er this way that the Mets are singlehandedly responsible for crippling MLB’s 2010 attendance figures. That’s even funnier when you consider that, hey, didn’t they just open a new ballpark? Wow. Guess the honeymoon is really over down there.

September 9th, 2010 Posted by | Baseball | no comments