Round 2
- Buddha Vs. Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel -
Darien: Well, I certainly hope this second match is as exciting as the first one was. Though it would be nice if it ended a bit more conventionally. First up, we have Buddha. Looking the very picture of stoicism and confidence - especially following Plato's rousing victory for the old-school - Buddha clearly expects to put a sound beating on his relatively young opponent.
Stephen: Don't go acting all like the last round just happened. That was like a week ago, loser.
Darien: Huh?
Stephen: Update your website more often.
Darien: Heh. You still haven't given me the money you promised me for the last update.
Stephen: Whatever, fag. I'm the only good thing on this stupid web site anyhow.
Darien: ... Yeah. Anyhow, moving right along, Hegel is now entering the arena from the other side, and he's looking a little bit nervous. Like he has a bit of stage fright.
Randy Savage: Yeah, that Hegel guy, he looks nervous and all kinda fidgety, and that's no lie.
Stephen: Shut up.
Referee: In this corner, and in that corner, and really to be found in everything, wearing the dark purple trunks, weighing in at one hundred, forty-six pounds, Buddha!
(The crowd roars)
Buddha: !
Referee: And in this corner, in the green scuba gear, weighing in at... is this right? Very well. Weighing in at nine hundred, seventy-six pounds, Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel!
(The crowd goes wild, intermixed with confused utterances)
Hegel: Umm, yeah. Go me! I rule.
(The referee steps from the arena and bolts the door. The bell rings)
Darien: Buddha is off to a rousing start. Hegel is having a bit of trouble pinning him opponent down; Buddha seems to be everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. The big guy is definitely uneasy about something.
Randy Savage: That Buddha guy sure is a hard one to follow. He's all over the place!
Darien: Yes, Hegel is flailing around a bit randomly, trying to land a blow. This is a bit unexpected; Hegel is ordinarily a master of this sort of physical repartée. I don't know if we're seeing him on an off-day or what, but he is really taking a beating here.
Stephen: Hegel sucks. I bet even Randy could do better than that.
Randy Savage: Yeah, if I was in there, I'd be all, give him a little of the old one-two, drop him to the mat, suplex-style, baby. Yeah.
(Stephen snorts derisively)
Darien: Buddha is clearly not taking this fight seriously anymore. He's started inserting some dramatics into his attack pattern; now, instead of just zipping around and striking, he's giving us a bit of Muhammed Ali's famous shuffle.
Stephen: This fight is over.
Darien: Unfortunately, it seems like that is the case. Hegel has found himself totally outmatched, and it is only a matter of time before Buddha wears him out. In fact, it looks like we're there already, Hegel has dropped to one knee. Buddha is setting himself up for the final blow. And here it comes, the final --
(The crowd exclaims)
Stephen: Is that allowed?
Darien: Ladies and gentlemen, this is just amazing! In a stunning turn of events, Hegel unleashed his incredible, overwhelming Bubble Lead attack at the last minute! It seems that Buddha was totally unprepared for an attack like that. Yes, folks, the match is over, but not quite how we expected!
Stephen: Heh. That arena floor really has the Buddha nature in it, now. They won't get that cleaned up for weeks.
Bishop Berkeley: Serves him right, someone who doesn't even exist pretending he existed all over the place like that.
Martin Buber: Yes, it seems that Buddha will be forming a much closer relationship with that mat from now on.
Randy Savage: Well, he needed to thin out, anyhow. He was looking a bit chunky.
Darien: Are you all quite finished? Anyone have any more gratuitous sick humour? Anyone? Anyone? Okay, then. We'll continue. Yes, Buddha is very clearly destroyed, and also has been down for a count of ten, so he's pretty obviously defeated at this point. So I guess that means that Hegel will go on to face Plato in the Quarterfinals.
Stephen: Plato is still a fag.
Darien: I had a feeling you'd say that.
Stephen: Of course you did, moron. You wrote it.
Darien: Well, you know what? Shut up.
Randy Savage: They're all busy fightin', so I guess I gotta be the one to tell you not to miss the next excitin' installment, when fan favourite Arthur Schopenhauer takes on Catholic bigwig St. Thomas Aquinas. That match is gonna be a killer, so don't you miss it.
Questions, comments, suggestions, or insults? Send them right along to darien@perfectlydarien.com
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