Round 3
- Arthur Schopenhauer Vs. St. Thomas Aquinas -
Darien: Err... gee. That was a long power outage we had here at the arena, huh, guys.
Randy Savage: Hoo yeah. It was so dark here for so long, I could hardly see my tasty Slim Jims. (Snaps into one)
Stephen: What the hell are you guys talking about? Power outage. That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard.
Darien: Why, whatever do you mean?
Stephen: You know as well as I do that you haven't updated this thing in nine months. So you expect people to believe that there's any such thing as a power outage - even in a made-up location like this - that lasts nine months?
Darien: Pah. I'd have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you pesky kids and your dog.
(The Gang laughs. Scooby puts on the villain's rubber mask and scares the heck out of Shaggy.)
Referee: In this corner -
Stephen: Shut up. It's starting.
Referee: - weighing one hundred fifty-four pounds, wearing the classy suit and snazzy beanie hat, the Danzig Destroyer, Arthur Schopenhauer!
(The crowd cheers)
Schopenhauer: Ich werde Ihren Arsch treten, bis Ihr Kopf herunterfällt.dummkopf
Referee:And in this corner, in the monastic robes and halo, weighing one hundred nintey-seven pounds, the Holy Avenger, St. Thomas Aquinas!
(More cheers)
Aquinas: Chi desidera una battitura? Sono nella casa!
Darien: And there's the bell. It looks like this battle of the headwear is underway, as Schopenhauer pits his Collective Will and beanie hat against Aquinas' theory of a First Cause and his shiny divine halo.
Bishop Berkeley: I like this Schopenhauer guy. I like him enough that I may just think him into existence. I could certainly perceive myself in one of those snappy hats.
Martin Buber: The trouble with Aquinas is that he hasn't realised an I-thou relationship with God. God is clearly on his side, though - check the halo.
Randy Savage: Yeah, brother. That halo is some mean looking stuff. And check out the beams of divine energy he's throwing around! That's heavy, man. That's heavy. I'm just glad the Hulkster couldn't do that! (Laughs)
Darien: Yes, drawing upon his close ties to God, St. Thomas seems to have his opponent on the ropes. Artie is casting about, trying to muster enough Will to change the fate of the match. But wait! He's up to something!
Stephen: He's playing with his hat? What a loser.
Darien: Yes, It seems that Schopenhauer is spinning the blades on his hat up to high speeds. But, wait - what's this? He's leaping directly into one of Aquinas' God-beams! Can even the mighty and powerful beanie hat protect him against Aquinas' headgear of doom?
Stephen: What is he - look out!
Randy Savage: Duck and cover! Duck and cov -
(Much static)
Due to unforseen circumstances, the Grudge Match is temporarily out of order. Please bear with us while we attempt to remedy the situation.
Darien: -e back on the air?
Randy Savage: Whoa.
Darien: Ladies and gentlemen... when we left you, Arthur Schopenhauer was pitting the full power of his beanie against the holy fury of St. Thomas Aquinas' halo. The resulting explosion was... intense. We've been able to regain the air, but the ring has sustained massive damage.
Stephen: WHY DID THEY CROSS THE HATS? HAVEN'T THEY SEEN GHOSTBUSTERS? YOU DON'T CROSS THE HATS!
Bishop Berkeley: I don't believe that Ghostbusters exists in their realities.
Martin Buber: Of course it exists. The real question is not whether or not it exists, but what kind of relationship they have with the film. Do they have an intimate rappor with the comedy classic, or does it pass their notice without a trace?
Randy Savage: I remember Ghostbusters. I'm glad I never had to get in the ring with that Marshmallow Man! That one Royal Rumble where I ended up against Yokosuna was bad enough. And so was Ghostbusters II.
(Awkward silence)
Darien: ... Anyway. The explosion appears to have sent both competitors rocketing into the sky. Neither of them appears to be conscious at the moment, as should be expected after the shock of being thrown through the roof and then falling back to the floor. However, all things are not equal. One of our contestants has landed inside the ring, and the other outside! Therefore, the winner, by way of ringout, is none other than Arthur Schopenhauer!
(There would be cheering here, but most of the audience is dead or unconscious)
Darien: Well, tune in next time as Friedrich Nietzsche takes on Zoroaster. It's dualism vs. moral superiority, right here at the Steel Cage Grudge Match!
Stephen: Why did they... cross the hats? The horror... the horror...
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