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Steel Cage Match!


Round 1

René DescartesVs.Plato

- René Descartes Vs. Plato -


Darien: Well, here we are at the Attica Tack arena, waiting for the start of the most anticipated event of the year. All the seats for this event have been sold out, and there are still more people jammed in the back and down the aisles. If you're joining us at home, well... you're more comfortable than these people here, at any rate.

Randy Savage: But all you people at home, you're missing out on the blood, and the sweat, and and the smell of the fight. I mean, that's what it's all about, man.

Stephen: Sit down.

(Randy Savage sits down)

Darien: And here come the contestants. Plato is looking very confident, and not without good reason; being pretty much the father of what has been thought of as "philosophy" for twenty-five hundred years, he's sure to be no slouch in this arena.

Stephen: Plato is a fag.

Darien: ... Well. Moving right along, Descartes doesn't look at all perturbed by Plato's commanding demeanor. I think it's safe to say that he might have a trick or two up his sleeve that he expects to even this fight out.

Stephen: My money's on the Frog.

Darien: ... Yes. Well.

Referee: In this corner, wearing the red trunks and the frilly lace cravat, weighing in at one hundred, sixty-one pounds, René Descartes!

(The crowd roars)

Descartes: Je suis ici, et je frappe de volonté à mon adversaire avec la fureur du feu et la crainte terrible de l'incertitude financière!

Referee: And in this corner, in the blue trunks and white toga, weighing one hundred eighty-four pounds, the Grecian Steamroller, Plato!

(The crowd roars again)

Plato:ΟαδέλΥθ απςΨαγ Ρίθι!

(The referee steps from the ring and bolts the door. The bell rings, signalling the start of the fight.)

Darien: Well, it's clear now that Descartes has done his homework for this one; he's started this fight out with a scathing offensive. Plato is being forced back constantly; of course, the wily Greek typically yields in the early part of the match, waiting for his opponent to make a fatal error.

Randy Savage: Yeah, that there Descartes guy, he's really something. Look at 'im go! Left, right, left - that Plato, man, he better put something together quick if he's planning to win this one, and that's no joke (snaps into a Slim Jim).

Stephen: Sit down.

(Randy Savage sits down.)

Darien: Well, now things are heating up. Plato is coming back with an attack of his own! He's ducking and weaving, following up with quick little jabs... yes, it seems like he's trying to infuriate his opponent! And it's working, folks; Descartes is clearly upset at this kind of treatment, but Plato is keeping up his merciless taunting.

Stephen: Told you he was a fag.

Darien: What's this? Descartes has launched a furious attack at his antagonist! He's swinging wildly! Plato looks like he was expecting this, and - yes! A well-timed throw by Plato! Descartes is down. Randy - analysis?

Randy Savage: Ahh, looks like the Greek's taunting got to the little French snob. I'd say Descartes was obviously not thinking. Oh yeah.

Stephen: Sit - huh?

(The crowd murmurs in confusion)

Darien: This... we don't know what to make of this, people! René Descartes has suddenly gone missing! He hit the mat after Plato's throw, and he just vanished! Martin, any thoughts?

Martin Buber: The problem was clearly in the underlying philosophy of his attack. When he stopped thinking, he ceased to be. I think this brilliantly illustrates a primary flaw in the outdated Cartesian philosophy of existence.

Bishop Berkeley: He never existed in the first place.

Darien: Well, I've consulted the rules, and the judges seem to agree with me that "ceasing to exist" is included under the definition of "being utterly destroyed." I'm afraid Descartes will be eliminated on a technicality, and Plato will advance to the next round.

(The crowd roars confusedly)

Stephen: What? Gah.

Darien: Well, folks, that concludes the first battle in this epic tournament, and it's a victory for the old world. What's in store in the next battle? Only time will tell, so be sure to check it out! We have Buddha vs. Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel coming up next, so it's guaranteed to be interesting. To say the least.

(Randy Savage snaps into a Slim Jim)

On to round two!

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