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Steel Cage Grudge Match!


Round 4

Friedrich NietzscheVs.Zoroaster

- Friedrich Nietzsche Vs. Zoroaster -


Darien: So, how's the rebuilding coming along?

Randy Savage: Kinda slow going over here, boss. This here place got messed up pretty bad last time the fighting went down. Rate we're going, we should have it finished up in a week or so. So make sure they don't start the next match until then. Yeah.

Darien: Well... you see, Randy... It's like this...

Referee: In this corner, the Muscles from Prussia, the mustachioed madman, Friedrich Nietzsche!

(What crowd has dared to show up cheers)

Nietzsche: Ein und ein und ein ist drei. Erhielt, gutes Schauen zu sein, weil er so hart zu sehen ist!

Randy Savage: Wait, hold on a minute! What's going on here? And how'd that guy get out of the hospital so quick?

Darien: Well, as for the announcer, Stephen... pulled some strings. Not sure what he did, but it involved a knife, a lighter, and some forged government documents. Best not to ask him about these sorts of things.

Randy Savage: Ooo. Yeah.

Referee: And in this corner, the Babylonian Bruiser, the Persian Pummeller, the first and the eldest, Zoroaster!

(The assorted crowd remnants once again cheer)

Zoroaster: (Sings)

Darien: See, we're sorta starting the fight... now. I realise that's probably a bit abrupt, but, well... I made a deal with Stephen. And I can't back out of a deal with Stephen, because of the aforementioned knives and lighters and forged documents. It could get... messy. You see?

Randy Savage: But I ain't even done fixing the ring! You gotta at least let me --

Darien: Careful! They're starting!

(Randy Savage dejectedly snaps into a Slim Jim)

Darien: Well, folks, it looks like the match is off to a rousing start. Nietzsche seems to know everything about his opponent, and it is working very much to his advantage. But Zoroaster seems unperturbed by the furious pummeling he's receiving. Analysis?

Bishop Berkeley: Nietzsche's fast-attack strategy seems to be calculated to throw his opponent off-guard, to force him to doubt the evidence of his own senses. He is providing an offense rooted in hard objectivism, but obscured by fallibility theory so that no man can possibly understand it except in terms of how it relates to him. Martin?

Martin Buber: While it's true that Nietzsche's strategy is blinding and confusing, Zoroaster seems to be weathering it with relative ease - after all, the man is nearing on three thousand years old. He must be an old hand at this sort of thing by now.

Randy Savage: That Zoroaster guy should get him with an elbow drop off the turnbuckle. Works every time!

(Zoroaster laughs loudly and menacingly)

Darien: After emitting a creepy laugh, it seems that Zoroaster is talking... he's speaking... ancient Persian! Get a Persian translator, quick! Nietzsche is standing there, he's listening...

Randy Savage: Man looks scared right outta his wits.

Darien: Yes he does! And - what's this? Nietzsche is surrendering, folks! He's clawing at the cage, trying to get out. Zoroaster is just standing there... laughing...

Randy Savage: Man, this is creepy.

Darien: Nietzsche has been removed from the arena, and he looks... pale. Like he's about to pass out from fright. What could make a man like Friedrich Nietzsche so scared? Where's that translator, dammit?

Stephen: Okay, I'm back from the Churro Chime. Who had the triple-deker churro? Guys? Hey, what's going on?

Darien: Well, be sure to tune in next time, folks, as ancient Chinese sage Lao-Tzu faces modern uberphilosopher Immanuel Kant. The excitement is just starting to build, here at the Steel Cage Grudge Match. I just hope next time isn't so creepy.

Randy Savage: Hey, I just got a message from the translator dude. Turns out that the mics didn't pick up very much of what Zoroaster said. Only word he could make out was "muse."

Stephen: Muse? What? What the hell is going on here?

Darien: I wish I knew.

pd.com


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