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Steel Cage Grudge Match!


Our contestants are gearing up for the big battle, so it's time we explained the rules to our loyal viewers. This match will be fought as a single-elimination, ladder-style tournament. There will be fifteen matches in four seperate rounds, and all competitors except one will have lost a match by the end. How do we determine who will be fighting whom? through a high-tech, state-of-the-art process, of course. I wrote down each competitor's name on a slip of mega paper, tossed them all into the Big Green Bowl of Destiny, and picked them out in pairs. You can see the results on the following table:

René DescartesQuarterfinal 1Semifinal 1Final 1Grand Champion!
Plato
BuddhaQuarterfinal 2
Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel
Arthur SchopenhauerQuarterfinal 3Semifinal 2
St. Thomas Aquinas
Friedrich NietzscheQuarterfinal 4
Zoroaster
Lao-TzuQuarterfinal 5Semifinal 3Final 2
Immanuel Kant
ConfuciusQuarterfinal 6
Blaise Pascal
LifaceQuarterfinal 7Semifinal 4
Karl Marx
AristotleQuarterfinal 8
St. Anselm

The matches will be fought in decending order, which means that René Descartes and Plato will be getting this tournament off the ground. The rules are as follows:

  • Any contestant who is down for a count of ten is eliminated.
  • Any contestant may, at any point, forfeit the match. Disciplinary action will be taken against anyone who continues to fight after his opponent has clearly given up.
  • Any contestant who is completely destroyed is elminated.
  • As this is a steel cage match, it should not be possible to leave the ring during a match. However, should any contestant end up going through the cage, he will be considered eliminated.
  • During a match, no holds are barred and no attacks prohibited.
  • And that's the size of that. We have several special commentators for this match, as well: famous Jewish philosopher Martin Buber, classic Catholic subjectivist Bishop George Berkeley, legendary professional wrestler Macho Man Randy Savage, and all-around nogoodnik Chop Chop Master Stephen. These four will be adding insightful and witty comments throughout the duration of this tournament. And, who knows who else might drop by? Anything can happen here at the Great Figures in the History of Religious and Philosophical Thought Steel Cage Grudge Match!

    Take me to the action!

    pd.com


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