The Dord of Darien

Musings from the Mayor of the Internet

I know, but I had to

I just couldn’t resist. You seen this? Check this shit out:

There is a lot of disinformation about health insurance reform out there, spanning from control of personal finances to end of life care. These rumors often travel just below the surface via chain emails or through casual conversation. Since we can’t keep track of all of them here at the White House, we’re asking for your help. If you get an email or see something on the web about health insurance reform that seems fishy, send it to

No lie: that text is posted on The Obama administration’s official web site is exhorting us to turn in fellow citizens who say "fishy" things about health care reform. If I may be so pretentious as to quote from Emerson here, "what the fuck is this fucking shit?" That’s low even for these scumbags.

But you know me. I’m a jackass. No way could I leave something like that alone. So I had to report some fishy things I’ve heard from the internet. Always glad to do my part for America! The full text of my e-mail follows. I’ll keep you posted if I hear back.

I’m glad to see the federal government is finally granting me what I always thought I deserved: a cushy position as honorary deputy in the Thought Police! I dig that, man. So I was doing my part for America, searching the internet for those fishy statements about health care that Speaker Pelosi and I completely agree are un-American — I don’t see why these people can’t take their public protests, free speech, and civil disobedience to some other country where those things are considered acceptable — and I found a real motherload of them. Have you *seen* the kinds of things they’re saying about health care reform on They’re making some really crazy claims there, like about how the administration’s plan will stop rationing of a product that exists in finite supply — forget basic economics for the moment, this is downright mathematically impossible. Farther down the page from where the explicit statement "Reform will stop ‘rationing,’" though, we get the line "reform will forbid many forms of rationing that are currently being used by insurance companies." This is a classic bait-and-switch; which is it, Will the plan stop rationing, or will it merely forbid some types of rationing? Speaker Pelosi and I find this sort of drowning-out of the facts with hyperbole and fairy stories highly un-American.

Professor George Lakoff (UC Berkeley) said "The Democrats still believe in Enlightenment reason: If you just tell people the truth, they will come to the right conclusion." I have to say, I am 100% on board with professor Lakoff and the Democratic Party here. What I think we need to do is get our enlightened selves together, though, and maybe come up with a backup plan in case the unwashed masses don’t reach the *correct* right conclusion. Fellow enlightenist and highly American American Michael Wolff — I’m sure I speak for Speaker Pelosi as well as myself in my approval of the Americanness of his Americanosity — already tried calling them names on the internet (in re: ), and that didn’t seem to work. I have to be honest with you: that’s pretty much the only idea I had, and the entirety of my skill set, so I’m stumped. Maybe you can come up with something better, though. You could try dusting off the old Alien and Sedition Acts. You know, the parts that aren’t still 50 U.S.C. ss. 21-24. I think if these un-American anti-Americans won’t stop spreading their un-American wrong right conclusions, we need to return to the glory days of American policy, when people respected the government or went to jail.

I’ve also heard a quote being passed around that says that "the powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people." Supposedly this means the government can’t nationalise industries, redistribute wealth, or force people to spend their money in certain ways. I don’t know who wrote that crap, but it’s clearly un-American, and we need to track this guy down. I’ll admit upfront: I’m no expert on the Constitution, but one thing I do know is that health care is an inalienable right of all citizens — I heard that on the TV, and it’s catchy, so I know it’s true — which means clearly it’s in the Constitution. Probably some amendment. I dunno. The 41st? Something like that. Who has time to read this stuff, anyhow?

Anyhow, that’s what I’ve found for now. I’ll keep an eye open, though; as long as we freedom-loving Americans continue to work together to ferret out and repress ideas and statements not worthy of our country, we can build a strong and glorious future for ourselves, for our children, and for our children’s children, and for their children, and probably theirs too, and so on into the night. If you need anything else, don’t hesitate to ask me, because I’m only too happy to spy on my fellow citizens in support of the Party.

— D

August 15th, 2009 Posted by | Bullshit | one comment

1 Comment »

  1. It really makes me wonder what the responses of the people who get to read these things are. Do they *actually* read each one and send out some appropriate reply? I mean, I’m sure it’s a form letter regardless, but do they have different form letters based on what you say? Are they clever enough to even figure out what you’re saying?

    I hope they send you some sort of “Proud Spy for Obama” pin or something.

    Comment by Ama | 15 August 2009

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