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Steel Cage Match!


Scandal!

Acting on a tip from an anonymous informant, the Steel Cage Grudge Match autorities have discovered that one of our fighters is not who he pretended to be. The man entering this tournament in the guise of great philosophical mind Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel is in reality none other than killer super-robot Bubbleman. Created by the sinister Dr. Wily for the purposes of destroying the heroic Mega Man and subjugating the peolpe of Earth, Bubbleman is the master of underwater combat. His lair is rumoured to be filled with lantern fish, frogs that spit out smaller frogs, jellyfish, lobsters, and shrimp from Hell, and also blanketed with large black spike balls that will kill anybody in one hit.

When we confronted him with this deception, Wilhelm Friedrich Bubbleman had the following to say:

"What? Don't be all stupid. I'm not a robot. I'm Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel. A classic philosopher. What's so hard to understand here? You saw me use my killer Bubble Lead attack. That's a trademark of Hegelian philosophy. Who else but I could have done that, hmm?"

Our investigation was halted there for a time. It's true, we had seen the Bubble Lead with our own eyes, and no mere Hegelian upstart could have done something like that so convincingly. And yet, some of us were still sure that this man was not who he claimed to be; How could a brilliant mind like Hegel's string together a phrase like "Don't be all stupid?" And then someone noticed the lack of resemblance between our Hegel and the Classical Hegel, shown below:

Hegel?Hegel?

The real breakthrough came when we got a phone call from an informant who identified himself only as "not Crashman." He was the one who first brought to light the most important single piece of information about this case: The real Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel was not made of metal. Acting on this tip, we tried the logical solution: we threw a magnet at him when he wasn't looking. And it stuck.

Confronted with this damning evidence, "Hegel" had no choice but to confess. He was indeed Bubbleman, he told us; he entered the tournament because he was bored with destroying cities and opressing civilians. "I wanted people to respect me for my mind," Bubbleman said between sobs, "but everyone's always like, 'no, you're a killer robot; shut up about dialecticism and just shoot out some fish bullets or whatever.' So I entered this thing to prove myself. But I knew they wouldn't let me in, since they'd just try to send me to the Killer Robot Steel Cage Grudge Match instead. So I just pretended to be a classical philosopher. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and that dog."

The judges have ruled that Bubbleman will be allowed to remain in the tournament, since "it would shoot things all to heck if we pulled a contestant out now." But he will be subject to public scorn and ridicule.

Such is the life of a killer robot.

pd.com


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