The United States Supreme Court recently upheld, in United States v. Comstock, that "Federal law allows a district court to order the civil commitment of a mentally ill, sexually dangerous federal prisoner beyond the date he would otherwise be released." In other words, the federal government now has the officially-recognised power to detain citizens indefinitely without trial and without recourse as long as it alleges that they are "sexually dangerous." We note further that three-fifths of the complainants in this case were judged sexually dangerous solely based on their possession of child pornography.

We here at perfectlydarien.com would like to applaud this recent court decision. We think it's high time the government got serious about protecting the American people from those who would view -- and perhaps even enjoy viewing -- media of which the government has not approved, and perpetual incarceration seems like the punishment that best fits this grave crime. It does create a complication, though; it needs to be clear to the American people which media the government does and does not approve of, so that the people can know they are doing the right thing and finally begin to live without fear of the corrupting influence of unlicenced thought. To this end, we propose the Secure Technology And Media Protection Act of 2010, otherwise known as:

The proposed bill has three primary components:

• Creation of a new government agency responsible for ensuring that all media produced in the United States, and all media entering the country from abroad, is fit for consumption by Americans. This agency will also be responsible for working with all media producers worldwide and implementing the new United States seal of approval (shown below), which must be carried somewhere on all legal media.
  Projected cost: $50,000





• Creation of a proactive task force to work with manufacturers of all media consumption technology -- including but not limited to computer hardware and software, televisions, radios, CD and DVD players, telephones (cellular and conventional), personal music players, answering machines, eyeglasses and contact lenses -- to ensure that such devices are compliant with the new standard and will not play back unapproved media content.
  Projected cost: $35,000


• $700 billion general welfare enhancement fund to be paid directly to Goldman Sachs.
  Projected cost: $0, since it's an investment that will pay itself back within the fiscal year.

To fund this ambitious $85,000 program, we propose a new consumption tax. We were going to say a surcharge on sugared beverages, such as sodas, but then we figured that didn't make sense, since the government already subsidises their creation. And then we realised that a soda tax is already being implemented for unrelated reasons anyhow. So, instead, we propose a surcharge of fifty cents per avoirdupois ounce to be applied to the purchase of tea.

We at perfectlydarien.com belive that this new STAMP Act is the type of progressive social legislation that America was built upon.

We here at perfectlydarien.com would like to go on record as stating that we definitely want to be protected. We want to be protected not only from actual danger -- you know, the stuff we can protect ourselves from by being armed and prepared -- but also we want to be protected from the insidious danger of other people thinking thoughts that it makes us feel all icky to think about them thinking about. And terrorists too. We need to be protected from them. Like those crazy fuckers in Montana or whatever -- they didn't sound like they liked the government at all. And what about that shithead Andrew Dice Clay? Definitely sexually dangerous. Lock his ass up forever and ever amen. So call your senators today and tell them to push for SR 841: the STAMP Act. Do it for the children. Goodnight, America! Stay safe and monitored!

Free Barry Bonds
Orbital Stabber ™ Dave