Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary is an invaluable resource for those wanting to know what things really are. But there's one slight problem with it - it's a hundred years old. As such, it lacks important definitions more applicable to modern times and the world of computers. So, as a service to Ambrose Bierce, pd.com presents to you The Devil's Man Pages, a feature designed to remedy that unfortunate oversight on the part of ol' Mr. Bierce.
But, in the words of Kunta Kinte, you don't have to take my word for it. Read on and see for yourself.
Adobe, n. The world's leading developer of free software, such as Photoshop, Acrobat, and Pagemaker.
Boot (1), vi. The process by which one's computer starts up.
Boot (2), vt. The process by which one punishes one's computer for misbehaving.
Doom, n. A ten-year-old computer game that is obviously the cause of everything that has gone wrong with the world since its release.
Emacs, n. A text editor. Secondary functions include e-mail, database, multilingual IDE, time travel, curing diseases, raising the dead, and calculator. All this power comes with a price, however: the immortal soul of the user.
fsck (1), n. File System Check.
fsck (2), intj. Used as a curse word by people who really should know better.
Goatse.cx, n. Everyone's favourite site to post misleading links to.
Hardware, n. The parts of one's computer that can be physically smashed when one gets pissed off.
IRQ, n. Interrupt Request. A channel used by hardware devices that wish to communicate to the CPU that they are going to interrupt the user by conflicting with other devices.
Linux, n. Basically the same as UNIX, but lacking the benefit of any centralisation whatsoever, thereby leading to gross incompatibilities among distributions. These incompatibilities in turn lead to much heated argument on Slashdot about which distribution is the best. These arguments in turn use up much time that would be better spent fixing the incompatibilities.
Macintosh, n. An extremely high price to pay for operating system stability.
Memory, n. No matter how much one has, one still needs more.
Network, n. Several computers linked together for the purposes of pirating software, distributing pornography, and playing games.
Operating System, n. The source of 90% of computer problems.
Sound card, n. The part of one's computer that takes the most time to get working properly, and the least time to cease working properly.
Spam, n. The primary source for information on penis enlargement, discount prescription drugs, hot horny babes, and how to make millions of dollars without leaving one's home.
UNIX, n. An operating system programmed piecemeal by numerous different developers over a long period of time, thereby rendering it obscure, convoluted, and frequently redundant. And this is the hope of the world against Microsoft?
Video card, n. The part of one's computer responsible for rendering pictures of naked women. Guaranteed to go obsolete in the time it takes to install.
Virus, n. A piece of malicious code designed to make infected computers serve the aims of the one(s) who programmed said code, or sometimes to cease functioning altogether.
Windows, n. A piece of malicious code designed to make infected computers serve the aims of the one(s) who programmed said code, or sometimes to cease functioning altogether.
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