Devil's Man Pages

Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary is an invaluable resource for those wanting to know what things really are. But there's one slight problem with it - it's a hundred years old. As such, it lacks important definitions more applicable to modern times and the world of computers. So, as a service to Ambrose Bierce, presents to you The Devil's Man Pages, a feature designed to remedy that unfortunate oversight on the part of ol' Mr. Bierce.

But, in the words of Kunta Kinte, you don't have to take my word for it. Read on and see for yourself.


Adobe, n. The world's leading developer of free software, such as Photoshop, Acrobat, and Pagemaker.

Boot (1), vi. The process by which one's computer starts up.

Boot (2), vt. The process by which one punishes one's computer for misbehaving.

BSD, n. Basically the same as Linux, but ten years out of date.

BSOD, n. Blue Screen of Death. A symptom of Windows indicating that one's computer is no longer functioning. Not to be confused with BSD, which is a symptom of a far greater problem.

Doom, n. A ten-year-old computer game that is obviously the cause of everything that has gone wrong with the world since its release.

Emacs, n. A text editor. Secondary functions include e-mail, database, multilingual IDE, time travel, curing diseases, raising the dead, and calculator. All this power comes with a price, however: the immortal soul of the user.

E-mail, n. Electronic Mail. See spam.

Flame war, n. See Slashdot.

fsck (1), n. File System Check.

fsck (2), intj. Used as a curse word by people who really should know better., n. Everyone's favourite site to post misleading links to.

Hardware, n. The parts of one's computer that can be physically smashed when one gets pissed off.

Internet, n. A modern invention leading to great advances in communications, wasting time, and distribution of pornography. See also World Wide Web.

IRC, n. Internet Relay Chat. That part of the internet consisting mostly of people asking where they can find fetish porn sites.

IRQ, n. Interrupt Request. A channel used by hardware devices that wish to communicate to the CPU that they are going to interrupt the user by conflicting with other devices.

KaZaA, n. The fastest way to get a complete collection of all viruses currently available.

Linux, n. Basically the same as UNIX, but lacking the benefit of any centralisation whatsoever, thereby leading to gross incompatibilities among distributions. These incompatibilities in turn lead to much heated argument on Slashdot about which distribution is the best. These arguments in turn use up much time that would be better spent fixing the incompatibilities.

Macintosh, n. An extremely high price to pay for operating system stability.

Memory, n. No matter how much one has, one still needs more.

Network, n. Several computers linked together for the purposes of pirating software, distributing pornography, and playing games.

Operating System, n. The source of 90% of computer problems.

OS/2, n. An operating system made by IBM, generally superior in every way to its primary competitor, Windows. As such, it was never used very widely and is no longer in production.

OS X, n. Basically the same as BSD, only usable.

Slashdot, n. (also: /.) A gathering of geeks intent of proving which of them is geekier than all the other geeks. See also: flame war.

Software, n. The part of one's computer that cannot be physically smashed when one is pissed off, thereby rendering software a safer investment than hardware, yet much less satisfying.

Sound card, n. The part of one's computer that takes the most time to get working properly, and the least time to cease working properly.

Spam, n. The primary source for information on penis enlargement, discount prescription drugs, hot horny babes, and how to make millions of dollars without leaving one's home.

UNIX, n. An operating system programmed piecemeal by numerous different developers over a long period of time, thereby rendering it obscure, convoluted, and frequently redundant. And this is the hope of the world against Microsoft?

Usenet, n. That part of the internet consisting mostly of off-topic messages promoting fetish porn sites.

Video card, n. The part of one's computer responsible for rendering pictures of naked women. Guaranteed to go obsolete in the time it takes to install.

Virus, n. A piece of malicious code designed to make infected computers serve the aims of the one(s) who programmed said code, or sometimes to cease functioning altogether.

Windows, n. A piece of malicious code designed to make infected computers serve the aims of the one(s) who programmed said code, or sometimes to cease functioning altogether.

Windows NT, n. Basically the same as OS/2, but without the stability.

World Wide Web, n. That part of the internet consisting mostly of blind links to fetish porn sites.

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