Spiritual Enlightenment for the Internet Age
Confucius believed that, every so often, the Heavens would send to the Earth a "divine sage," who would have great wisdom and great moral force and would be able to lead the people down the path of righteousness. To our modern age, the Heavens have sent Liface, a purveyor of wisdom and enlightenment the likes of which the world is totally unprepared for.
He's still working on the "moral force" part.
Within this hallowed document, you will find the greatest gems of wisdom to be offered by one of the internet age's foremost thinkers. We here at perfectlydarien.com consider it our civic duty to enlighten you in the ways of the Master, so we present to you this work of tremendous weight, in which we analyze the Master's sayings and attempt to put them into a context that you - the modern web surfer - can more easily appreciate. So sit back, relax, and let your mind bask in the warming glow of Lifaciousness.
"Did you kno that I am ool?"
Here, the Master presents us with a classic example of the Zen Koan - a question that challenges our ways of thinking by, on the surface, not making any sense. He asks us if we "kno" that he is "ool," but how many of us could say the same for ourselves, much less for someone else?
"I own the world"
The Master states that he owns the world - a metaphor, obviously, for his wisdom reaching out and encompassing all of creation. He owns the world in the sense that he can lead us all to wisdom if we will but listen to his words; after all, is not the man who is truly wise master of all that is around him?
"And then people will like worship me as a god because I will be one of the first people here (compared to everyone else)"
Here the Master speaks of his own future. He clearly sees himself as a modern parallel to Confucius - a man who is still studied and whose teachings are still revered and followed to this day. Confucius has been elevated to legendary, mythological status - a position the Master clearly forsees for himself, as well. He will be "one of the first people here" - that is to say, he will be one of the most highly regarded figures of our day, "compared to everyone else," the poor, disheveled masses who do not devote their time to gaining wisdom and improving in goodness.
"i am t3h best haX0r!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 i am the best i wanna give a shooT out to al7 y aHX0r budDEis darein, stehp3n, sam,, and fo7ex i will ahx0r you!!!!!!1~~~~~~"
Here we see the Master speaking in his specialized lingo, a method he uses for communication with his students. He announces that he is the best, and he asserts his superiority, but he does not fail to recognize the merits of his students. This saying is an excerpt from a public speech, so we can see the Master telling the world at large of his students - humbly sharing with them the glory he has earned though his efforts.
"USE TRHE KICK COMMAN OR I WILL RUIN THIS CHAt"
The Master can be tough when he feels that it is necessary to challenge his students. Here, he presents them with a dilemma - they must choose between him and the rest of the world. At the same time, they must decide whether or not discipline is the correct course of action. Ultimately, this principle can be extended to the world at large - one must choose between what is good for society, and the allegiance that one owes to ones friends and family. One must know what sacrifices need to be made, and when one needs to "get tough" and "lay down the law."
"MY seokkkking is messeeeeeeed up"
Even a man like the Master is ultimately human, and ultimately falls short of his aspirations. Wisdom lies in acknowledging this; the Master accepts his own failings, and is at peace with himself. This is perhaps the most important lesson he has to teach us; for which among us can honestly claim that his own seokkkking is not messeeeeeeed up?
"I returned SMACK ACK"
The Master "returned," he tells us. What he means is that, through his presence, wisdom has returned to the world, and it has done so resoundingly - the impact that this wisdom will have on the world will shatter conventional ideas and the complancency of ignorance. SMACK ACK, indeed.
"SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER SAM IS A BAD WEBMASTER"
Sometimes even the Master's most devoted students find his wisdom impenetrable. I'm afraid I have no idea what he's getting at here. Sorry.
"Its hard to spell a misspelling wrong, but im a hard man"
The Master teaches us that, sometimes, it's important to stick to one's principles in the face of adversity - to be "hard" and unyielding. Even if it's not easy, we all must learn to be "hard men."
"Hey look there was an I at the bottom"
The Master's wisdom forms the underpinnings of everything - he says "there was an I at the bottom" - he is to be found at the beginning of everything, at the foundation of all thought and all society. When the rules of all civilization were being written, there was a "he at the bottom" - one like him, with his wisdom and his integrity.
And, with that, we draw our article to a close for now. The Master's wisdom is timeless; meditate on what he has to say, and consider how you can apply it to your own life. Perhaps with enough dedication, you too can be wise like Master Liface.
Question, comments, suggestions, or insults? Send them right along to firstname.lastname@example.org
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