World Domination Handbook

- A Reference For the Up-and-Coming Dictator -

Planning a coup? Intending to rise up with your army of evil and install yourself as dictator-for-life over the entire world? We're sensitive to your needs. So we've pre-formed several suggestions for you; things to keep in mind when you're deciding what is to become of the myriad nations of Earth once they're all yours to play with. That saves you tedious planning time and allows you to get back to the fun stuff, like grabbing power and executing loyalists. What do we ask in return? Nothing. We're just hoping you'll remember how helpful we've been when you hand out the estates and titles.

Actually, this is basically The Prince with an international focus. And more jokes. And way more robots.


The United States: The United States definitely should not be paved over. Not entirely, anyhow; there is a large amount of arable land there that you can set your serfs and vassals to farming to produce the food you'll need to sustain your global empire. Also, the United States contains several valuable mineral deposits, including oil, coal, silicon, and precious metals. So your best bet will be to raze the major cities, but leave the brunt of the land unspoilt. Certain Supreme Dictators may wish to sink California into the sea; the relative loss will be minor. And, hey, dictators need to be able to take some excesses sometime. It's what makes the job fun, after all.

The United Kingdom: The UK would make a good location for your Imperial Palace. It's difficult to invade, and already has several castles in existence if you'd prefer the more "classic" feel. As an added bonus, the populace has experience living with monarchs, and will probably adjust better than most nations to your regime. The one thing you'll have to watch for is those pesky Scotsmen - we recommend banning any showings of Braveheart in the country.


Japan: Let's face it: everything good that will ever come out of Japan already has. We already have The Book of Five Rings, Nintendo, cartoon schoolgirl porn, and tee-shirts that say "EVIL PLOTS OF DEVIL ROBOTS" on them. Everything else Japan has to offer is just a drain on society: things like video games about dancing, tomagotchi, endless rip-offs of Dragonball, and cartoon schoolgirl porn with evil tentacle rape demons in it. Our recommendation is that the country is burned to the ground, paved over, smashed into bits and then sunken under the sea.

New Zealand: New Zealand would make a good vacation spot for the dictator looking for a bit of relaxation. The country is laid-back, it's pretty there, and they're not numerous or militant enough to be a serious threat to your empire of evil. The laid-backness will work in your favour there, too. Also, they have a peanut butter called Sanitarium. That alone should be reason enough to spare the country.


Germany: Treat the Germans well, and they will treat you well. The Germans have a history of being especially good in war, so Germany will be a good country to supply your best soldiers and munitions. Germany will also be a country you have to look out for, however; if they get all upset about something, they're liable to rebel. Try to make sure the Germans are happy, and, hey, let's face it; they can keep the rest of Europe in line for you. And that's an investment well worth making.

France: The temptation is strong to sink France right away, but you may wish to consider holding off momentarily. The French produce some excellent chefs; you may wish to appropriate some for your imperial galleys beforehand. Also, if you have an interest in art, the Louvre (or at least its contents) is something you'll want to spare. Outside of that, France can also provide hours of entertainment - if, instead of demolishing it outright, you start with small offensives, you'll get a good laugh out of watching the French fall all over themselves trying to get a decent defense together. Knowing them, they'll probably build a wall that you can just go around.

Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel

Russia: Okay. This is complicated, so listen carefully: DO NOT INVADE RUSSIA. Not right away, anyhow. Multiple dictators have tried that in the past, and it simply doesn't work. Instead of that, try crushing the country with missiles and bombs. Once it's sufficiently broken from that, then you send in the foot soldiers. Russia is a hotbed for stinking godless pinko commies, though. They might try to overthrow your imperial yoke, so be careful. And oppressive. Of course, you may wish simply to wipe it all out; tundra is not particularly useful land.

China: Bah. More commies. Communists are the natural enemy of the world dictator. Wipe 'em all out. If you want some goodwill (and it never hurts to have a bit of that), after you've crushed the communists, allow the government of the Republic of China (Taiwan) to move back in. Operating as a puppet, of course. China also has a lot of arable land, and can provide a good source of food for your empire once it's been "depopulated" a bit. It also has some serious mountain ranges; another good, defensible place for your imperial palace, if you can handle the cold and the thin air.

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