The Dord of Darien

Musings from the Mayor of the Internet


I’m serious; this guy’s been writing for twenty years and nobody pointed him out to me until today? Like everything he writes is gold. Here’s a piece from yesterday in which he joins in the two-minute hate against A-Rod in the silliest possible fashion.

Giambi Rises as Rodriguez Falls

That’s right, not-making-sense fans: John Pudner is hitching his wagon to the Jason Giambi train. You remember Jason Giambi. He was the most notorious juicer in baseball not called Barry Bonds for years and years. Now, of course, he’s old and broken-down but still clinging to baseball life as a dedicated pinch-hitter, which is cool and all, but "rising?" The man’s OPS+ is 101. He hasn’t had more than 152 PA since 2010. Hasn’t been above replacement level since 2011. "Rising" is: the exact opposite of anything Jason Giambi is doing.

In 2007, Jason Giambi apologized for all of baseball, while Alex Rodriguez was unapologetic while winning his third MVP.

In 2007, Jason Giambi consulted with his lawyers, and they carefully crafted a damage control statement in which he apologised for "stuff" without actually specifying what "stuff" he was apologising for so the Yankees couldn’t void his contract. In 2009, A-Rod went on TV with Peter Gammons and got all weepy and apologised for using steroids, but stressed that that was only before he was on the Yankees so the Yankees couldn’t void his contract. So far, so identical.

Five years later Bud Selig appears set on ensuring Rodriguez never puts on a major league uniform again while Giambi replaced Hank Aaron in the record books Monday.

Just so you know: the record Giambi replaced Hank Aaron for is the completely weird and irrelevant record of "oldest player to hit a walk-off home run." I mean, don’t get me wrong; it’s cool and all, and I love that baseball has all these weirdo cherry-pick records, but you should probably avoid being misled by this guy into believing that Giambi just broke an important record.

Major League Baseball reportedly has more evidence against Rodriguez than they had against Ryan Braun.

I should hope so, since Ryan Braun won his appeal. I know, I know: he’s been suspended now, and hack journos like you have decided that this is proof of anything. And yet, what this actually is is: Braun wins his appeal, then gets harassed non-stop by MLB until he finally agrees to sit out the rest of a lost season in exchange for them getting off his back. It has nothing to do with "evidence" or "guilt" and everything to do with playing politics.

Further, a report Monday indicated that if Rodriguez appeals a ban, Commissioner Bud Selig will play a trump card by banning him from the game.

I am having difficulty forseeing a reality in which this doesn’t lead to massive trouble with the MLBPA. Not that it would surprise me if spitfire Bud — who’s on his way out anyhow — does it.

His name appears set to go down the Barry Bonds, as one of the greatest players of all time who will never be put into the Hall of Fame due to evidence of guilt.

You’d think that, after twenty years as a professional writer, you’d learn to proofread. Or maybe somebody at Breitbart would assign you an editor. Or somebody somewhere would do something to prevent that sentence from seeing print, because: yikes. Look out, A-Rod! Your name is set to go down the Barry Bonds! I’m picturing the Barry Bonds as a completely boss water slide, and there’s a 44.4% chance you get on base once you get to the bottom.

Also: the reason Barry Bonds isn’t in the Hall of Fame is because sportswriters are idiot assholes. By which I mean you, John Pudner, are an idiot asshole.

Meanwhile, with one swing of the bat Monday, Giambi put his name next to Hank Aaron – who most will always accept as the true home run champion after discounting Bonds for cheating.

Actually, most people — including Hank Aaron, dummy — understand that "player who hit the most home runs" is pretty much not a matter to be decided by your feelings. You can go ahead and create a new title called like "player who made me feel really good about myself while also hitting home runs and being nice to reporters like me" if you want, and give it to anybody for all I care. But the "true home run champion?" Bonds. Sorry.

Also, correct me if I’m wrong, but: didn’t Giambi also do steroids? Giambi did steroids, admitted it. Bonds did steroids, admitted it. Bonds can’t break Aaron’s record, because he did steroids. Giambi can break Aaron’s record, even though he did steroids. Your logic has one or two flaws.

Giambi will never approach Aaron’s home run record, or overall status as one of the top few players in the history of the game.

Bold prediction. Giambi’s 42 years old, and only 319 homers behind Aaron! Also only 326 homers behind the real record, which is held by Barry Bonds.

However, it was fitting that a player who admitted his mistakes and apologized for those of so many others would top Aaron for a moment Monday.

If only Bonds had held a press conference in which he said he was sorry for "stuff," then just imagine how legitimate his actual real accomplishments would be in the eyes of idiots!

Of course, he’d still be a guy who was a huge penis to the media. Which is what this sad little grudge is really about.

Giambi’s walk-off home run let him replace Aaron on one small mark – as the oldest player to ever hit a walk-off home run. Giambi came into the game hitting only .187, but his blast was his 7th homer in just 124 at bats this season – one of the top few ratios in the league.

Sample size. Sample size, sample size, sample size. Also: 124 at-bats is not a qualifying number. Because of sample size.

Chris Davis: 38 HR in 384 AB. Is that a topper ratio? I have no idea, so I rammed some alpha wolves, and they made no sense at all, but I’m pretty sure that chart says Chris Davis is better.

He has found a way to contribute and provide leadership and example to a surprisingly strong, but young, Cleveland Indians team. Most important, he is winding down his career as a player who is admired by those to follow despite playing in an era that will not be fondly remembered in baseball history.

And that’s what I did on my summer vacation, by John, age 8.

You know what’s awesome? John is such a screwloose that he spent more time bitching about Barry Bonds than he did about A-Rod in his explicitly-titled A-Rod smear article. Hey John, next time you set out to assassinate somebody’s character, you might try mentioning him once or twice.

July 31st, 2013 Posted by | Baseball | 4 comments


  1. Wait, wait, wait: the penalty for appealing a temporary ban is a lifetime ban? Did I read that right? I’m not sure that’s exactly fair.

    Comment by Stephen | 1 August 2013

  2. Can you tell me what this story is about? I read it like four times:

    Is JayZ A-Rod’s agent? That sounds insane but maybe it’s true? Otherwise I don’t get it.

    How are they working together? Sometimes they go to basketball games together? Thus they’re working together? On what? For whom? HUH?

    You were right, this guy is a goldmine.

    Comment by Stephen | 1 August 2013


    “The average tight end benches 225 pounds 21 times. Tebow did not participate in the bench at the combine, but has reportedly thrown up 480 pounds at one point in the future, and is given credit for 460. At 6-3, 236 pounds, he is two inches smaller and 10 pounds lighter than the average NFL tight end.”

    Somebody should just fucking call in the Mr. Universe guys, because apparently bench pressing is now one of the top things to look at. Also I guess Tebow’s being shorter than the average TE is… good? Yeah, you want guys who have to sometimes catch the ball to be short.

    What the FUCK?

    Then I love his table which lists “DRAFT ROUND” to show how good Tebow is compared to other rookie TEs, ignoring the fact that Tebow was not drafted this year and that of course TEBOW WAS NOT DRAFTED AS A TIGHT END. Which is sorta maybe kinda important.

    Comment by Stephen | 1 August 2013


    “He’ll do whatever it takes to get those W’s for his team. QB, TE, RB, whatever. I love the guy’s spirit and dedication. When thugs like Hernandez are all tucked nicely in their prison cells, guys like Tim will own the game.”


    Comment by Stephen | 1 August 2013

Leave a comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.