The Dord of Darien

Musings from the Mayor of the Internet

Breaking news: Cubs trade for Cubs-y player in Cubs-y deal!

Ever think the Yankees and the Cubs should just have a merger? Put them together, you’d have a pretty good team. The Cubs have a great catcher and great starting pitching, the Yankees have great position players, and combine them and you can probably make a serviceable bullpen (I’m guessing you keep Joba and Mo from the Yankees, Woody, Marmol, and Marshall from the Cubs — that’s almost enough!). The Cubs could provide the manager, and the Yankees could provide the batshit crazy owner. Perfect!

What was I talking about? Oh, right — how the Cubs just traded five prospects to enhance their depth at the one fucking position they don’t need it: starting pitcher. Matt Garza’s a very Cubs kind of pitcher — complete crazy man, with the emotions and the tantrums and all that, and peripherals that genuinely worry people who care about things like that. But, like Carlos Zambrano and Ted Lilly before him, he consistently outperforms his FIP and xFIP, which… well, I don’t know if it’s a skill, per se, but if it is, it’s the skill Jim Hendry is best at scouting. Comedy bonus: as of 2010, he features a two-seam fastball! Ryan Dumpster also started throwing a two-seamer in 2010. So did Tom Gorzelanny. So did Randy Wells. Carlos Silva picked his up way back in the bygone days of 2009. And Carlos Zambrano? He’s always had it, but as of 2010 he throws it way way more often. So, great! A whole rotation with one pitch. One pitch that generates a lot of goddamn groundballs. You think you midgets up the centre could learn how to play defense this year? Last year’s squad never got it figured out.

So I’m glad the Cubs are locking down every head-case starting pitcher in the world, but wouldn’t it be nice if they added a hitter? Here’s the lineup they’ll be rolling out there in 2011, with their 2010 OPS+ added as a sort of comedy underscore:

C: Geovany Soto (131)
1B: Carlos Peña (102)
2B: Blake DeWitt (91)
3B: Aramööse Ramirez (92)
SS: Starlin Castro (97)
LF: Alfonso Soriano (110)
CF: Marlon Byrd (102)
RF: Kosuke Fukudome (111)

Yikes. Or, as the Germans would say — assuming the Germans were into baseball like the Dutch are — das yikes. Other than the catcher, that ain’t anything like what you want to see. Fonzie and Kosuke were pretty good, but aren’t they corner outfielders? Don’t you want a bit more pop out of dudes who play positions so low on the defense totem pole? Especially when you pay them $17 million and $14 million, respectively? They combined for three wins last year. Granted, they both sat for parts of the season (because the Cubs were carrying seven outfielders and Lou had long since stopped giving a goddamn), but come on.

And the bullpen? They brought Woody back, which is cool, but even assuming he’s healthy enough to play any baseball — which is always uncertain with Woody — that’s still basically a three-man bullpen. Or are you planning to put Zambrano in there again? If they liked it once, they’ll love it twice!


January 7th, 2011 Posted by | Baseball | no comments

Congratulations to Bert Blyleven

By which I mean "Hall of Famer Bert Blyleven," and it’s about goddamn time. Bert debuted at 14% in Hall of Fame voting, which is pretty much surefire not-gonna-make-it territory. But fourteen years of howling from people who understand baseball finally pushed him over the 75% marker, and now ushers in a new era which will be marked by fourteen years of howling from Colin Cowherd about what a bad pick he was. Note to Colin Cowherd: go fuck your fucking self. With Marge Schott’s dick, if you can manage it.

Congratulations also go to Robbie Alomar, who, after one grueling year, finally made the Hall. Check his percentages: 73.7% last year, 90% this year. Wow, that’s a lot of sportswriters who did a lot of extra research and formed better opinions this year, isn’t it? No it goddamn isn’t. What that is is the immense proportion of Hall of Fame voters who are idiot assholes — people who thought Robbie should be in the Hall last year too, but didn’t vote for him because they didn’t want him to be unanimous, or because they didn’t think he deserved to be a first-balloter. These things are moronic. If you think he should be in the Hall, you vote yes. That is the job you are being tasked with. Not "determine what percentage of the ballot he should be elected with and in what year." Dummies.

No congratulations are in order for Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmeiro, Juan Gonzalez, or Jeff Bagwell, none of whom came anywhere near 75%. And you goddamn well know why. Now let’s talk about how stupid it is.

Mark McGwire did steroids. We know that for a fact. He admitted it in a weepy interview with Bob Costas last year. Mark McGwire was also one of the best hitters in the history of hitting things. And can I tell you a secret? Nearly everybody in baseball for a hundred years used amphetamines. Dock Ellis once threw a no-hitter on LSD. Dave Parker and Darryl Strawberry did cocaine. Gaylord Perry threw the spitball. Mickey Mantle drank himself into oblivion. Joseph Leonard Morgan himself was once caught with a corked bat. Oh, and: Ty Cobb stabbed a dude. Just a few things to keep in mind while you’re condemning Mark McGwire for his horrible actions that brought disgrace to baseball.

Raffy may have done steroids. We don’t really know. He failed a test, but has never admitted to anything. So here are a few things to consider:

One: There are such things as false positives, and Raffy failed a test. One test. Which, coincidentally, is the exact same number of PED tests everybody has already forgotten that David Ortiz failed. Could this be because David Ortiz is Boston’s beloved smiling Big Papi, and Raffy Palmeiro is an asshole with a sleazy mustache? It is a mystery.

Two: Raffy has stayed completely consistent in his denial, and his insistence on the totally weird cover story that Miguel Tejada slipped a mickey into his vitamin, um, injection. Which, while totally weird, is just possible.

Three: Raffy’s failed drug test came in 2005. At the very very end of his career. This is not evidence that he was juicing during the meat of his career, when he was actually putting up his Hall of Fame numbers.

Four: Get over it, assholes.

Juan Gone is a step farther down the line than even Palmeiro — he never admitted to anything, and never failed any tests for anything. The only evidence we have that Juan did a goddamn thing is that Jose Canseco says so, and — need I remind you — Jose Canseco is garbage. Jose Canseco accused basically everybody who ever lived of using steroids, and did it in totally unbelievable ways: "yeah, man, we all got together at Roger Clemens’ house and had these sweet steroid parties and talked about how awesome we were for juicing! Then we went snowboarding down a mountain shaped like Wade Boggs’ face." It was ridiculous. Then like two of the dudes he named actually turned out to be juicing, and everybody decided that was proof that Canseco is the new baseball Jesus. Fuck off, Jose. We’re done with you. Sadly, we’re probably also done with Juan Gonzalez, who was really good but only got thirty votes, which was, like, just a hair over five percent.

Jeff Bagwell is even farther down the ladder than Gonzalez — there is no evidence at all, anywhere, ever that Jeff Bagwell did anything wrong. He’s never been accused of anything, never tested positive for anything, never admitted to anything, doesn’t have some shady goddamn cousin who comes to pick him up from games and just happens to be a major steroid pusher in the Dominican Republic. Nothing. And yet, he got only 41% of the vote because, according to many voters, they don’t "feel comfortable" voting on anybody who even may have used steroids. Just so we’re clear, here, I sent an e-mail to God about this, and he told me in no uncertain terms that you people are going to Hell. I mean, I’m just sayin’.

Now, Bagwell’s not a shoe-in, and, without the ridiculous faux-moralising ("Robbie Alomar may have intentionally given a woman AIDS, but at least he never took drugs that would make him better at his job! A+! Bagwell… uh-oh, he was a big strong guy. F-!") I could totally get behind not voting for him. He was super good, but he was completely cooked at like 35. Still and all, Jim Rice is in, and Bagwell is very much a Jim Rice kind of player. And keeping him out because you aren’t 100% certain he didn’t use steroids is a special kind of stupid.

Robbie Alomar retired one year before Jeff Bagwell, you know. You can’t be 100% sure he didn’t use steroids either. Just sayin’.


January 5th, 2011 Posted by | Baseball | one comment

So about that Beltre contract

Here’s an excellent article by Jeff Passan and Tim Brown that succinctly and correctly describes Beltre’s past, and even doesn’t explain away his shitty five years with the Mariners by saying he just "wasn’t trying" or "is only motivated by walk years," like a lot of assholes have been doing. Good work, guys! I knew you had it in you!


January 4th, 2011 Posted by | Baseball | no comments