Viewtiful DarienName: Darien
Occupation: Millionaire Philanthropist / Sex Symbol
Favourite Colour: Green
Sign: Yield
Darien was born in a log cabin in the north of Montana in the year 1967. He started working in a box factory to support his family when he was only six years old, and he quickly became a seasoned professional, and rose to prominence within the box manufacturing industry, winning great reknown as the inventor of the greatest new box concept since the lid. Fueled by his anger over his cow-pattern-box idea being stolen by Gateway, He worked nonstop for weeks designing his magnum opus of cardboard: box with a naked woman on it. But the box cartel angers easily, and, after living a life of mystery, running from country to country to avoid the hired muscle sent to track him down and exract the secrets of the NakedWomanBox (tm), he finally grew tired of running, settled with the box industry for an undisclosed sum, and now devotes his powers to fighting crime and insulting people on the internet.

MinaName: Mina
Occupation: Trophy Wife
Favourite Colour: Orange
Sign: Detour
Often mentioned, never seen, Mina is Darien's wife. Theoretically, she is the webmastrix of minamoon.com, but she's seen there only slightly more often. Rumour has it that Mina is a classical goddess of beauty taken mortal form, who, upon her arrival, could easily tell using her divine senses that Darien was the only appropriate mate for a heavenly being such as herself. Other rumours have it that she actually doesn't even exist, but was simply made up by Darien when he got tired of people picking on him for not having a girlfriend. Which rumours are true and which are false? Only time will tell.

TerryName: Terry
Occupation: Shaft
Favourite Colour: Ladies
Sign: Aries
Terry once ran a popular and successful video game store in his home town of Calumet City, Illinois, but all that came to a tragic end one fateful day earlier this year when Darien entered the establishment. Unfortunately for Terry, as well as the other tenants who accupied that particular building, it wasn't designed to withstand the massive amount of ass-kicking that Darien represents, and it burst into flame. The insurance report said something about "faulty wiring," but those in the know will tell you that's just legalese for "way too much kickass." Darien felt sorry for kicking Terry's store's ass so hard, so gave him a job theoretically writing for the web site. To date, Terry has badmouthed the Starsky & Hutch PS2 game and accomplished nothing else.

StephenName: Stephen
Occupation: Angry Mole
Favourite Colour: Black like a black thing on black day
Sign: Fagittarius
Stephen is an internationally-famous video game character. You may recall him from his role in Animal Crossing. His job in that game was to track down people who have the temerity to press the reset button, and then swear and curse at them until they cry. Impressed with his performance in this regard, Darien hired him and gave him a new mission: to swear and curse at ancient, dead philosophers until they cry. He's the best there is at what he does.

LifaceName: Liface
Occupation: Divine Sage
Favourite Colour: White
Sign: The letter T
The son of the Greek god Apollo and a mortal woman reknowned for speaking only the truth, Liface shines like a beacon of wisdom and insight through these dark times. Also, we hear there is some plan in the works involving turning him into a planet or naming a planet after him or possibly developing a super-race from his genetic stock and migrating them off to some other planet or something. Whatever is, in fact, up with that plan, few people are disputing the fact that Liface is the best hope remaining for the human race.


Questions, comments, suggestions, or insults? Send them right along to darien@perfectlydarien.com

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